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This Week’s Sermon – Won’t Get Fooled Again

By Britt Schramm

March 14, 2005

That’s it.

I just can’t take it anymore.

I’ve gone as far as I can with this column.

So rather than show how strug-a-ling my writing is, I’ve decided to inform y’all that I’m leaving PftL for bigger and better things. And what’s better is that I have handpicked my replacement. His name is B.C. Wood and he will be able to invigorate this column with such fervor than I could never seem to bring to the table.

Now before the worldwide celebration begins, I’ll just slink out of here through the back door. Please don’t shed a tear. I’ll be all right. It’s really for the best. If truth be told, I’ll miss you. Take care.

(Waiting..)

(Tapping foot…)

(Looking at watch…)

Okay, maybe I wasn’t totally truthful with ya but I was just following the latest trend that happening out in comics. What is that trend you ask? Well, it’s writing comic books under a pseudonym.

Reader: Now, wait a minute, Britt. Using another name to write stories is nothing new even in comics. Has all of that time off warped your sense of reality?

Actually, it’s a lack of sleep dealing with a 50-hour workweek, a two-year old who doesn’t like to sleep and a wife who’s eight months pregnant and is always uncomfortable. Nevertheless, that’s not the point. If you will allow, please let me explain.

In case you haven’t been reading Action Comics, there has been a guest writer named J.D. Finn who recently took over for the much-maligned Chuck Austen. When the decision was first announced, everyone and their mother seemed filled with joyous glee that someone else was writing the book as almost all of them despise this guy (and his work since they can’t be separated in this brave new world of the anonymous message board postings).

And while I never was a fan of his work after reading his Uncanny X-Men run, the whole War Machine series and Action, I’m not out for the man unlike some readers in the comics community do if you read some of their message board posts . Hell, just look at the title of the thread.

To me, it’s like hating Andrew “Dice” Clay for his performance in “Ford Fairlane”. Yeah, the guy was as stiff as a board on screen and most of his jokes were lame one-liners but it's not like the flick was gonna be Oscar-worthy material. But if you lowered your expectations ahead of time, you should accept the fact that it’s mindless entertainment.

** WARNING! WARNING! Large Tangent Approaching **

(On a side note, can I ask you something? Am I the only one who thinks that “Ford Fairlane” is an overlooked treasure from the 90’s? I know, I know; to love a bad movie is nothing unusual. However, there’s just something about this movie that makes me overlook a plot that is so full of holes that even Jose Canseco would have a problem writing a book about it, not to mention the USPS-stamped performances. While I can appreciate “Road House” and the Zen-like advice that Mullet Man Dalton dispenses before he rips out someone’s heart, how can that movie beat the magic that is “Ford Fairlane”? Are you really gonna doubt me on this one? For those of who care, namely me, let’s take a look at the cast:

• The aforementioned “Diceman”, hot off his performances in “Pretty in Pink” and the Lea Thompson/Victoria Jackson vehicle “Casual Sex?” and at the pinnacle of his very short shelf life
• A pre-Jim Carey and hootchied-out Lauren Holly
• Gilbert Gottfried sounding like a watered-down version of Eric Bogosian’s DJ in “Talk Radio”
• Priscilla Presley resembling the blueprint for all future MILfs in the world
• Robert Englund still conjuring Freddy-like sadism in his assassin role
• Future TV shoe salesman and perennial movie schlub Ed O’Neill
• A perennial character actor and pre-Sex In The City frequent guest star Willie Garson
• Now-you-see-em, now-you-don’t cameos by Vince Neil, Shelia E, Morris Day and Tone Loc
• Eric Stoltz’s little sister from “Some Kind of Wonderful" in a career-changing role from smart-ass brat to movie of the week slut
• The king of cheese, Wayne Newton, sans mustache

With lines like “Booty Time USA” and “Neil and Bob – Is that your names or what you do? Ohh!”, how can it miss? I’m sorry, but even with Ben Gazzara, a post-WWF Terry Funk and the girl from “Murphy’s Law”, there’s no way that a bunch of no-neck bouncers could hold a candle to the rock-n-roll private eye with a Fender Stratocaster with Pearl pickups that’s reverse strung just like Jimi Hendrix. I could go on but if I spend any more time on a non-comic related tangent, this piece won’t qualify on my stats as a legitimate column. I’m sorry, Chris, on both counts.)

Alright, back on point about dear old Chuck. Replacing an outgoing writer with a guest one is nothing new since they happen all of the time. So what makes this particular one so weird? Well, before this new writer starts, the word was leaked out that Austen and the new writer is the same person.

Huh? Obviously, there’s something at work that I just don’t understand. Why would a writer change his name for three or four remaining issues? Was there an editorial disagreement (similar to Alan Smithee in the movies)? Was he tired of all of the negative crap that was being said by both the comics media and readers? Does DC think that there’ll be a sales boost if his name is not on the book? Does he have a split personality?

You’d think that this is an isolated instance with Mr. Austen. But it not only appears that the Chuckster has done it again. While I haven’t seen this with my own eyes, it’s rumored that the man of Chuck-stinia is now writing under the name of Samuel Clemens on his self-published “World Watch” book. If that name sounds familiar, that’s because it’s also Mark Twain’s birth name. Is the name change a real homage to the great American author or is it just really sad? I'll let you be the judge.

And speaking of writers that have fallen out of favor, it looks like someone else has hopped on the pseudonym bandwagon. Thanks to my main man, Stevie G, I saw that media relations nightmare John Byrne has posted on his website that he has been writing a title for DC under a pen name for over a year and is still waiting for people to notice.

The consensus on Byrne’s board is that the fictional name is A.J. Lieberman, the current writer of “Gotham Knights”. I like Steve’s guess that it could be “Breach” with Bob Harras in the role of the editor and picking up the writing cred. If either rumor is true, it must be humbling for a former comic book giant like Byrne to change his name just so people would buy his work. While I haven’t read “Breach”, I have read Lieberman’s run on “Harley Quinn” and “Gotham Knights”, which is why I can understand why someone would want to use a fake name. Like meeting an ugly girl in a bar when you’re smashed, you don’t want it coming back to haunt you when you’re trying to hook up with the local hottie. And yet, he still uses his real name on that mess of a book, “Doom Patrol”. Ughh!

Look, it’s one thing to use a fake name to write in a genre that's outside your specialty in order to avoid falling flat on your face. But it just looks wrong for someone to replace his or her name on a book, which is still being written by the same person. Call me old-fashioned; but if you're not proud enough to stand behind your work, you should really get out of the writing business.

Here are a couple of stories that I wanted to comment on but they weren’t big enough for their own columns:

RIP Richard Dragon and Bloodhound

Well, it seems that these two books will be cancelled within the next two months due to poor sales. I wasn’t surprised by either of them; just made me somewhat sad.

Dragon seemed like a logical segue from The Way of the Rat for Chuck Dixon. And to get penciler Scott McDaniel, with his ability to portray acrobatic movements against a shadowy backdrop, I thought was key in keeping the title from getting the axe. But, it seems that there were some off-the-wall character changes that were made to help the flow of the story that didn’t jibe with readers, I guess.

Bloodhound was a completely new type of book entirely. A non-super powered ex-con who was hired by the FBI to track down super powered baddies. What’s not to like? It was violent, action-packed, and littered with toilet humor. Why this book didn’t get better numbers to sustain it is beyond me.

Given time, I think that both books would have found an audience but in this age of minimum sales figures, waiting is a luxury that few books have.

GOSSIPMONGER LEAVES COLUMN FOR BABY; CREATORS ARE LEFT IN SHOCK

Those of you who don’t wake up on Mondays mornings to read CBR’s Lying in the Gutters, (I would’ve said after this one, but I have a problem posting on a regular basis in case you haven’t noticed) Rich Johnston announced that he was going to take some time away from the weekly grind of churning out his column so he could welcome the birth of his first child. As I’m sure that he would have no problem admitting, he’s not the most loved online columnist. Ya see, the column has rubbed some creators the wrong way with its speculation and content that has been while others have reluctantly admitted to reading it as a guilty pleasure.

Personally, I really enjoy taking my break time during work to read LitG. Although I wish I could say differently, I’m not really all that connected in the comics industry. However, when I read Rich’s column, sometimes I feel like an insider. I hate to admit it but I guiltily enjoyed reading about the recent Comp-gate at DC, the whole CrossGen downward spiral into Chapter 13 as well as its aftermath and seeing Frank Cho’s untouched pencils and inks for Shanna, the She Devil when that was originally drawn for Marvel’s MAX line.

So, being a veteran of the birthing experience (albeit in confused supportive husband role) and awaiting my second child in May, I would like to offer my congratulations to Rich and his family and I hope that the column will return in the near future. Cheers mate.

Hero Squared goes Boom

Lastly, I received an email from Ross Richie informing me that he has left Atomeka and has created his own small press company called Boom Stuidos. And coming with him are not only the aforementioned "Hero Squared" mini-series but a trade of the Trencher series from Image that I didn;t get a chance to read. Ross also said that there'll be future project by Howard Chaykin, Jon J. Muth, Dave Johnson and a new creator-owned project from Fantastic Four and Legion of Super-Heroes writer Mark Waid. Definitely something to look forward to reading.

That’s all for this week. I make this solemn promise that there will be a new column in two weeks. If not, the first part of this column may not be a joke. I'll leave you with a couple of images from some of the new books by Boom Studios. Until next time, don’t forget to keep your boards and bags together and keep your continuity straight.

Send column-specific e-mail using the link below. You can also find me reviewing Trades and Graphic Novels at 4-Color Review.

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