By Britt Schramm
September 19, 2005
As I’ve said in the past, I have a hard time coming up with a cohesive column every two weeks; whether it’s due to work taking up most of my waking time, my endless amount of Reality TV watching or just my plaid slackitude (yeah, it’s not a real word but I like it anyways) towards being productive. Plus, I’m trying not to be a constant drone of anger on this column.
So, I thought that I would put just little snippets of stuff that have been going on in my mind over the past couple of weeks; some may be about the comics industry but any thought will be presented in a totally incoherent manner. Ya know it's kinda like Courtney Love on a three-day bender but having the ability to retain the control of my bowels. Truthfully, I’m basically trying to become the Larry King of the comic book press. Hey, if he was being paid for over 20 years by just putting his mindless bits of crap in a column for USA Today, why can’t I use it for one column? Isn’t that the backbone of the American way of life? I believe so. Wow, I think that I’ve just started entering my rambling zone. I'd better get my suspenders cinched up, my hunch perfected, and I'll try to strike while the iron’s hot:
Is it me or has John Byrne turned into a stark raving lunatic? That guy really needs to take a long hard look in the mirror and tell the guy staring back at him that life is just not that serious. **** There are two things that I hate talking about with people - the price of comic books and the price of gas. Nothing good comes out of those discussions let me tell you. **** Have you noticed that Marvel has brought back the Annual book for some of their ongoing series? I hate those books! But, I wouldn’t be surprised if DC does the same thing. Like Flavor Flav said back in the day, “Can’t Truss ‘It”. **** There are some things that go well together like Frank Miller/Jim Lee, Brian Azzarello/Eduardo Risso and Iced Tea/Lemonade (or as some people call it - Half-and-Half) but here’s one pairing that shouldn’t be tried again in any context – Gail Simone and Rob Liefeld. Please, never again, I’m begging.
That Kyle Baker, he knows how the whole “exclusive signings” work, doesn’t he? **** Here’s something that we all can agree on - there are just regular original graphic novels and there are books like “Blankets”, “Owly”, and “Tricked”, am I right or am I right? **** Is it sadder that I’ve won 79 out of 133 games in Orbitz Pool or that I’ve kept track of my record? I’m not sure. **** I don’t know about you but I felt like an old geezer when I heard that the Hip Hop Honors was going to be held on VH1. I know that I’m old but VH1 doesn’t need to rub it in. **** Now, I just said that I can’t truss the big corporate companies but at least you can commend DC for trying to help out the direct market stores that were hit hardest by the hurricane by giving a month’s worth of free comics. That’s gotta account for something. **** I know that Danny Partridge recently proclaimed that he’s a living car wreck. But does that mean that I shouldn’t stop everything that I’m doing just to watch his new reality show? **** As a standing rule, I’ll read anything that Garth Ennis writes. He’s just that good.
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Have you ever read a comic book and think to yourself, “Man, I wish I could’ve written that.” I have and the book’s name is Wildguard. **** Now, I don’t have any time in my schedule to play a video game, much less a non-console game, but when I saw the Bone video game, it made me wish that I did. **** When I heard the news, why did I picture the new offspring of Kevin Federline and Britney Spears getting beat up in grade school while his attackers yelled at the top of their lungs, “Hit Me Baby One More Time”? Yes, I am that twisted. **** Mark this on your calendars, folks – Sin City: Recut & Extended 2-DVD set (which includes a The Hard Goodbye trade) is scheduled to be out on December 13th. It should be in the Top Ten Holiday presents of the year. **** I think that maybe the conventions gods are against me when I finally realized that the Baltimore Comic-Con and the Small Press Expo on back-to-back weeks. It’s the Metro DC equivalent of having San Diego Comic-Con and WizardWorld-Chicago on two consecutive weekends. (Huh? That really gonna happen next year? That’s truly sucks.) **** It might be due to all of the late nights that I’ve been keeping, but I swear that “Smoking Gun TV” series on CourtTV is pretty damn funny. **** If you only read one comic book this month, make it Ghost Rider – you will not be disappointed.
With all of the comic book pros writing Internet columns, what the hell can I write to top them? **** Maybe this is just a sign that I’m not hip anymore. But doesn’t R. Kelly look like he should be going to a superhero LARP party somewhere? **** You’d think that with all of the bad press that Todd McFarlane has received over the past couple of years, you’d think that he would’ve tried extra hard to get his part of the Image 10th Anniversary Hardcover in on time, huh? **** One book that I’m looking forward to in October is “Wimbledon Green” by Seth from the wonderful people at Drawn & Quarterly. **** There’s one thing for me that makes a televised college football game different than the NFL (other than the gratuitous upskirt shots of the female cheerleaders) is the constant sound of a marching band. The combination of trumpets and tom-toms really brings back some memories of my freshman year at Norman, OK. **** How’s your September comic book budget? Mine has been shot to hell and the month is only half over. **** If you got some extra cash for the relief effort for Hurricane Katrina, go to the Inkwell website and click on their auction links. They’ve got some unbelievably sweet pieces of original art up, including my dream piece – the cover of Earth Two by Frank Quitely (pictured below) – maybe the wife won’t notice the second mortgage on the house for that one.
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The winner of the Pftl Contest
What I’m sure that most of you are waiting for – the naming of the winner for the first Preachin’ from the Longbox contest. First off, I would like to thank everyone for their great submissions. You did not make this contest an easy one for me. After reading one that I thought was the winner, I’d read another one and begin to argue with myself over the merits of each of them like a friggin' nutcase. Yeah, like I need the help.
And I loved some of the drafting tactics that y’all used. There were a couple selections of Spawn, Swamp Thing, Buffy’s Willow and even more than one selection of Scrooge McDuck. And there were some entries that included some real obscure heroes like City of Heroes’ Synapse, The Goon, Spiderman 2099, Futurama’s Bender and even Jesus Christ. Then a couple of you out there thought that the Beast and Nightcrawler were a pair that could not be seperated. I can only imagine how a real draft would turn out. One of these days, I will find a way to score this type of league and patent it. Once that happens, I’ll let you guys know.
But unfortunately, there has to be a winner. So, I locked myself in the only place where I can get some peace and quiet (the room that contains the porcelain throne) with my laptop and told the wife that I wasn’t going to leave until a decision was made. She said, “I’m not going to push dinner back so you’d better get your ass in gear, mister!” (She is the wind beneath my wings as you can tell). I’m sure that you all are just like her and saying, “Get on with it. Let me know who won, you word padding bastard!”
Alright, alright, but before the announcement of the winner, I need to provide a disclaimer of some sorts:
There was a ton of confusion concerning the designation of a superhero to their respective publishing company. I’m probably the one at fault here since companies have been sold left and right since some of the characters’ debut and I should’ve specified that if the title was previously under one company (say Image) and was sold to another company (say DC) then it should be considered DC since they do own the publishing rights to that character. Just ask McFarlane and Gaiman about publishing rights to Angela and Marvelman/Miracleman.
But like The Highlander said, "There can only be One!" So, with that out of the way, here’s the winning Superhero Draft entry by Josh Dean of Brighton, Mass (with his reasonings behind his picks):
The Bay State Brawlers
#1 Green Lantern (Alan Scott) (DC)- Experience, power
coming out his...er, ears and a connection to magic
makes this guy a pretty formidable leader. Although
he is reluctant to take charge in the JSA, I'm sure a
sufficient crisis could convince him.
#2 Judge Dredd (Various)- Although known as a lone
wolf, the Dreddster has shown the good sense to work
with others when needed. Every team needs a badass
who will step up and do what needs to be done while
others whine and pontificate. A true man of action.
#3 Atom (DC)- Needed for infiltration as well as being
the resident "science guy," the Atom would be a great
addition to any team.
#4 Black Panther (Marvel)- Let's get some diversity in
here. Plus, here's your team funding. I am also of
the opinion that every team needs a great melee
fighter on the team.
#5 The Mask (Dark Horse)- Your comic relief and
utility player. Although dangerously unbalanced, he
could be useful in a variety of situations.
#6 Velocity (Image/Top Cow)- You were right about
every team needing a speedster. Hopefully, she won't
be taken by now.
#7 Moondragon (Marvel)- Hopefully, she is obscure
enough to make it to the 7th round. I figure she can
handle herself in a fight and she's got the
telekinetic/telepathic chops to keep the team honest.
#8 Barbaric (Image)- Every team also needs a big Hulk
type guy. I figure Larsen's Freak Force would not be
foremost on anyone's mind so he could still be around
by the last round. Seriously, everyone is going to go
to Atom-Smasher, Pitt or someone like that as their
bruiser of choice.
Josh will receive the first PftL Prize Package consisting of One (1) The Dark Knight Returns Robin Action Figure Mint in Box, One (1) The Dark Knight Returns Joker Action Figure Mint in Box and a copy of The Dark Knight Returns (Seventh Printing) plus Some assorted comic book posters from the PftL Prize Closet
Thanks to everyone for their submissions (I truly enjoyed reading them) and I’ll catch you next time. Don’t forget to keep your bags and boards together and your continuity straight.
Send column-specific e-mail using the link below. You can also read about my thoughts on Danny Bonaduce, Survivor, and how to get 50 free mp3s just for knowing yours truly at brittschramm.com. Plus, I also review anything and everything that has to do with Pop Culture at Kung Fu Rodeo.
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