By Britt Schramm
October 3, 2005
When I first came up with the Superhero Draft contest, I thought that I would only get a couple of entries and one of those two or three would stand out from the rest and could be chosen up as quickly as Tara Reid is at last call in a Mazatlan bar.
(Note – This is my mandatory Tara Reid slam as part of my agreement with the US School of Journalism. Yeah, I know that you like to party with a TV crew documenting your hookups, Tara. But when you’re a 29 year old female and go through men and alcohol like gasoline in a SUV, you’re not a party girl anymore. You’re a drunken slut. Oops, I just went over my Tara Reid slam limit. My check for the fine is already in the mail.)
After the deadline had passed, I went to the PftL Contest inbox and found over twenty email submissions. Alright, maybe the amount is not in triple figures but for some schlub like me to get more than five emails for a contest that involves not only superheroes but some brain power, I was pretty proud of the turnout.
But since there could only be one winner, what was I gonna do with the rest of the entries? Well, I could’ve gone two ways – Play it straight and select ten or so teams and give some love to the other entrants; or let my inner devil roam free by going for the cheap laugh and mock the really bad entries. And as tempted by the second choice as I normally would’ve been, I couldn’t find a truly awful submission, much less ten of them.
So, here I am with virtual blue ribbons in my hand ready to dish my kudos to the ten submissions that were in the hunt right up ‘til the end. As a way to see where I was coming from (and due to the fact that I can’t keep my mouth shut), I’ll offer my best Mel Kiper impression and give my take on each team by applying logic when there really isn't any need for it. Boy, can’t wait for the email to come in on this one.
PftL Disclaimer – the entries listed below are not in any particular order or specific ranking. So, everyone gets a second place ribbon. I know it sounds lame but that way, my personal Mephistopheles will feel sated.
First off is from a entry from someone who calls himself mystery man who did not provide a mailing address:
1. Captain Marvel/ Shazam!: (DC) First, he's probably among the strongest beings in the DCU. Second, he gets his power from magic, so we've got a sort of occult expert on the team. That's always useful. Throw in the Wisdom of Soloman and you've got a great field leader.
2. Cyclops: (Marvel) He might be out after this round, it depends on how many other teams are drafting, but I think he'd still be around. He'd be the general leader, organizing battle stratagies, handling any diplomacy tactics (or lack thereof) and keeping every "wild card" in line. Plus, those optic blasts aren't as dumb as they look. As evidenced by Astonishing X-Men #7, he tore an entire Sentinel apart with one blast. Enough power, and enough skill to use it.
3. Mimic: (Marvel) That's right. The guy from "Exiles". Why? He's mighty, man. He possessed what could be considered to be the most useful power in the Marvel U, with the most powerful applications. Heck, in one issue, he siphoned off a little bit of the freakin' Phoenix Force! That's like getting a blood transfusion from the Hulk, except with much more planetary destruction possible. That, and he's not a doofus. He'd defer to Cyclops, having worked with him often in his own universe, and wouldn't try to steal the leadership from him.
4. Deadman: (DC) Odd choice, eh? He's not the greatest team player, since he's invisible and intangible against his will. But he's worked in teams before (The second Seven Soldiers of Victory, and the Sentinels of Magic for a bit) and likes the companionship. That was the first thing that attracted him to me, his winning personality. But then I noticed something else: He has the ability to withstand any environment, any scenario, even flying down the middle of a nuclear war, and not get singed. He's the ultimate fly-on-the-wall. But how would this information be conveyed, you ask? There's the hard way, possessing a team-mate and filling them all in. But there's also the easy way: people who are familer with magics can see him. That makes Captain Marvel and...
5. Willow Rosenberg: (Dark Horse) Okay, she's a TV charecter, but she has been in "Buffy" minis and other things published by Dark Horse, so I'll count her. Now, why would I draft this perky Wicca? Because she's so freakin' strong. The first spell she ever attempted was to give Angel back his soul at the end of the second season, and that's a very hard spell. She just kept escalating from there, going bad for a little while, but cementing herself in the good magics at the end of the series with that Slayer spell. Any magic-based enemies are fodder for her, and she could probably whip up something to make Deadman at least visible, and at least for a little while.
6. Synapse: (Top Cow) Okay, he's from "City of Heroes", and speedsters kinda suck in that game, but a speedster's a speedster. He's fast, he's able to shoot electricity (I think) and he plays well with others. That's the criteria, right?
7. Barry Ween: (Oni Press) Take Reed Richards, add him to Tony Stark, and toss in Calvin (from "Calvin and Hobbes") and a slight dash of Cartman and you'd pretty much have this kid. He could make a neutron bomb out of paper clips, novelty "Monopoly" piece keychains, and his own feces. Even if he's not in the field (which he will be, since he's awesome) he could build pretty much anything he can think of and bring an army to their knees in the same afternoon. Sure, he's a bit of a dick, but if they gave him a lab that would impress him, he'd do a little work. Maybe a lot of work.
8. Scrooge McDuck: (Gemstone/ Disney) All the money you could think of. All of it. He's the ultimate financial planner for this team. Barry's an important member, and the only way to keep him around would be to spend about three billion dollers on a lab big enough to keep him occupied. Then, if you need any more money, Scrooge is there. He might be a little reluctant and jerky about it, but he'd eventually give you what you want if you make it seem important enough. Plus, he's a little old, but he's dynamite in combat. He tore an entire steamboat down with his bare hands. Also, the "under-estimated" edge.
Britt’s Notes: The selections of Mimic and Deadman were pretty good. Synapse is a nice speedster for the round selection. I thought that Barry Ween may have been a reach since even though you stated that he would be in the field, there’s no way the others would allow that. And to the fact that the last teammate, Scrooge McDuck, would also be on the sidelines, this team, while a solid effort, comes up just a tad short.
Next is Mark L from Coppell, TX:
1. Preacher (DC Vertigo) Leader
2. Optimus Prime (IDW) Science Guy/Giant Fucking Robot
3. Spike (Dark Horse) Vampire/Badass
4. Blade (Marvel) Vampire Hunter/Badass
5. Mr. Hyde (Dc) Big Guy
6. Jesus Christ (Rip Off Press) He’s fucking Jesus!
7. Bone (GRAPHIX) Cute little, cuddly
8. Spider Girl (Marvel) Agile/hot girl
Britt’s Take: I love the Spider-Girl and Optimus Prime choices. And how can you go wrong with God’s only Son? But, Bone is somewhat lacking in the powers department. Plus, this group seems ripe for internal conflicts between not only Spike and Blade (Vampire versus Vampire Hunter) but quite possibly Jesse and Jesus for leadership of the group. This team would have a very low upside as far as team chemistry and would be too unstable for my tastes.
Here’s an entry from Corey T. from Ann Arbor, MI:
Pick #1 : Reed Richards (leader - marvel)
Pick #2 : Dr. Fate (DC)
Pick #3 : Elixir (Marvel)
Pick #4 : Shadowhawk (Image)
Pick #5 : Beast Boy (DC)
Pick #6 : Speeding Bullet (Top Cow/Image)
Pick #7 : El Zombo (Dark Horse)
Pick #8: Johann Kraus (Dark Horse)
Britt’s Take: Here’s the only team that chose the smartest man in the Marvel Universe, Dr. Richards. I’d call that a good choice. And the selection of Speeding Bullet has some value at the sixth pick. But picking Elixir, who is basically a genetic healer made of gold, with the third pick was a stretch to say the least. And outside of El Zombo, the team does not have a ton of team strength. And with the way that Fate has been fighting with Nabu for control, I’m not sure how solid he would be as a teammate. This is a decent team with some minor flaws. (And for the record, I’m not biased against people from the Blue and Maize City. But I am bitter that the State couldn’t put away U of M this past Saturday. Damn Spartans.)
Randy S. from Fort Wayne, IN submits his team:
1. Green Lantern (Kyle Rayner) - plenty of power, and more than just boxing gloves and such.
2. Firestorm - Same as above...an unbelievable resource
3. Havok (Leader) - More power than should be necessary...and able to take control when he needs to
4. Nova - Same as Firestorm. This guy should have been in the Avengers decades ago.
5. Invincible - Heavy hitter. Easy as pie.
6. Freezerburn - Two for one combo.
7. Grendel
8. The Crow...ok, probably stretching the rules here, but what's life without stretching the boundaries? These two are your "Wolverines" or "Midnighters". Ruthless. Efficient.
Britt’s Take: The inclusion of non-traditional “heroes” like Grendel (not sure which incarnation but will go with the original one) and The Crow (same as well) were a nice touch. And having a dual threat like Freezerburn (from Wildguard) adds some versatility. But, there seems to be a theme with this team – young heroes looking for something to prove. You could make the argument that Kyle Rayner, Firestorm, Nova, and Invincible are just variations of the same character. You need some grizzled vets to help the younger guys keep their heads in the fight. And it wouldn’t hurt to have a bruiser to mix it up mano a mano. Those facts alone make this a somewhat one-dimensional team and one that is not as well rounded as it could be.
Here’s a submission from Michael H. from Toronto, ON:
1. Batman (DC) -- The brains.
2. Thor (Marvel) -- The brawn.
3. Angel (IDW) -- The supernatural.
4. Oracle (DC) -- The class.
5. Liz Sherman (Dark Horse) -- The looks.
6. Han Solo (Dark Horse) -- The humour.
7. Optimus Prime (IDW) -- The transporter. (LEADER)
8. Metalhead (Marvel) -- The heart.
Britt’s Take: I thought that the Metalhead (X-Men 2099) pick was inspired. And selecting Han Solo was total out-of-the-box thinking. But, I just don’t see this team jelling with each other. Without his guns or the Millennium Falcon, Han is just a guy who complains about everything. And I can’t imagine Batman taking orders in the field from a robot; no matter how big he is.
Next, here’s an entry from Jesse L. from Snoop Dog’s hometown, Long Beach, CA:
1. I will take Shazam (DC: Power) with my first pick. Every team has to have a power player. Unlike Superman, Shazam doesn’t suffer from any of the pesky side effects Kryptonite or magic. He is respected by the public and within the superhero community. He benefits the team as a fighter, leader, and as a public face for the team.
2. Pick number two goes to the Star-spangled Avenger: Captain America (Marvel: Leader of Team, Strategy). Batman may plan out every detail to the Nth degree, but Cap just makes sure he gets it right the first time. Captain America is an asset in open battle, combat missions, and training the rest of the team to develop their own powers and to work together. Cap’s tenure with the Avengers has taught him to work with hero and recovering villain alike. No matter who joins the team Cap will be able to work with them and make sure they have a place on the team. Captain America is respected and honored in the public and within the superhero community.
3. Pick number three is Doctor Strange (Marvel: Magic). Every team needs a member who can handle any magical threats that may come their way. Doctor Strange, as the Sorcerer Supreme will be able to recognize, battle, and defeat threats from beyond the veil. If JMS and Waid have taught us anything it is that you must fight magic with magic, well the good Doctor is on my team to do just that. He can also cast spells and engage in combat against mere mortal threats. Steven is yet another member who raises the prestige of the team in the public and among the cape and tights crowd.
4. Hellboy (Dark Horse: Myths and Legends, Brawler) is my number four pick. Hellboy brings with him a vast array of knowledge of myths, legends, demons, and assorted mystical creatures. Sure you need Doctor Strange to face the Dormammus and Darkseids, but who is going to find the right weapon if Loki or some evil imps stop by? Hellboy is the unquestioned expert in all the things “that go bump in the night”. Beyond his expertise, HB is willing to throw down with the best of them. A seasoned combatant himself, he has the personality to stand up to Captain America should he get out of line. While this might cause some friction, I believe that Hellboy would be a welcomed addition to any team.
5. My fifth pick is from the TMNT. For my fifth pick I am drafting Donatello (Mirage Studios: Inventor, Mechanic). Every team needs someone to design and build all there gadgets and vehicles. They also need a member capable of repairing all their gadgets and vehicles. Donatello fits the bill on both counts. Additionally he is not a liability in combat. Trained with a bo quarterstaff as well as in hand to hand combat. His ability in combat can only flourish under the tutalage of Cap and the other heroes. Donatello serves not only as the resident inventor, mechanic, and ninja, but as a compatriot to Hellboy, as he too is a “freak.”
6. The number six pick goes to Tyranny Rex (I.P.C.: Computers, Space, token girl). Every team needs a girl around the clubhouse. Tyranny’s inclusion on the team allows them to face any computer and mechanical threats the team may face. Her experience as an adventure would no doubt compliment Cap’s skills on covert missions. Tyranny’s being an extra-terrestrial from Sauron also gives the team an advantage, should they need to travel into space. Not being human she can relate to both Donatello and HB. Hopefully on this team outsiders will feel like they are a part of a family.
7. Scrooge McDuck (Gemstone: Financer) is my number seven pick. That’s right you heard me, I want a Scottish duck on my team of super heroes. Without Batman or Iron Man around, someone has to pick up the check. Scrooge has more than enough cash to finance a team. But why would he you ask. The first reason is as an investment. Scrooge gets all licensing rights to comics, toys, movies, and anything else bearing the likeness of anyone on the team. An end to his struggle with the Beagle Boys, serves as second incentive for Scrooge and his checkbook to join the team. The team’s HQ could house a sub-basement with his coins for swimming (which seems more secure than a giant building with a $ on it.) Lastly, peace of mind is a great reason for Scrooge to join forces with this team. His lucky dime could be put in a high security HQ filled with superheroes, rather than the study of his house. If Scrooge is uncomfortable with this arrangement, the dime can be given to Hellboy for safe keeping. HB knows how to care for and protect lucky tokens. Under this arrangement, not only is the key to Scrooges fortune safe, but HB gets a little extra protection in battle. However, if any one thinks that Scrooge is just a dude stuck with the bill, Scrooge has been known to undertake an adventure or a mystery or two in his day. He maybe a surprise talent for the team.
8. For my last pick I choose The Squeeg (Rookie, Long Range weapons, guy with “The” as a part of his name, Comic Relief) The Squeeg may be new to the superhero world, but I believe he would serve as a valuable asset to this team. Every team needs a rookie to mold into a model hero, and someone to stick on monitor duty during holiday weekends. Nearly every other hero assembled so far has close range combat skills. Squeeg lends expertise in long range weaponry to the fray. (The Squeeg is NOT my own creation that I am shamelessly pimping. One of my goals in assembling this team was to ensure that my draft picks would not be over duplicated by other contestants. I believe that my inclusion of the Squeeg assures this for at least one spot.)
Britt’s Take: The selection of Tyranny Rex (from 2000AD fame) along with Donatello was interesting. And picking a superhero who hasn’t even been published yet was somewhat surprising. But this team is too loaded in the front. I just can’t imagine a draft where one team would be able to pick up not only the two Captains (America and Marvel) but Dr. Strange and Hellboy as well. That’s not gonna happen unless the other drafters were out with Tara Reid the night before.
Next is a submission from Phil K. in Dublin, Ireland:
I don't know if that'll be a deal breaker, if it's a problem they're called, eh, The Midnight Doom Society, but anyway here goes:
1. Hellboy (Dark Horse) – Team Leader – He knows how to work in a team. He knows how to work a team. He’s well read on various kinds of paranormal shit, and he can pound the crap out of just about all of it.
2. Miracle/Marvelman (Eclipse) – Because A) I need some really big guns, and B) I used up all my DC picks so Big Red isn’t available to me. He’s fast, strong and pretty god damn resistant to being hurt, and he’s basically Captain Marvel without the obligation of needing to be back in class after the mission. I mean, sure, he’s killed people, but kids are into that these days. Sales, people. It’s about sales.
3. Taskmaster (Marvel) – The skills of anyone in the Marvel universe he’s ever encountered, or even just observed, combined with that wrist thing that can be anything from Wolverine’s claws to Spidey’s web-shooter is enough to get him on my team. You add on the hologram camouflage thing, and the mad break-in skills and tech and you’ve got a sure thing.
4. Zatanna (DC) – In this day and age, no team is complete without a somewhat unstable, magic-wielding lady without much in the way of clothing. The magic is the most important bit though, I guess, seeing as it’s sometimes close to all that will take out whatever gigantic lump of muscle and invulnerability bearing down on you, and if it comes to it a quick transportation spell will get the team out of the line of fire.
5. Animal Man (DC) – In his superhero incarnation, rather than his hippy one. Mostly because he has the power of every animal to ever exist at his command. The ability to control animals would also be useful, but not nearly as awesome as being as strong as a T-Rex.
6. Green Goblin (IV - Phil Urich) (Marvel) – Sure he’s retired except in an alternate future, but whatever. Being able to provide cover with pumpkin bombs, that screaming laugh deal and various other stuff from the Bag of Tricks from the glider is, in itself, fairly useful, add the heightened strength levels and despite his lack of experience in the game, this guys got the skills.
7. Lobster Johnson (Dark Horse) – Sometimes you just need someone who busts in and does the job, without the bullshit. The Lobster does that. Aside from being a headbusting badass, I put him down just because “Derring-do” would fit into the description, and it’s a cool word.
8. Bender (Bongo) – I’ll admit this is kind of a stretch, but a comic is a comic. I suppose I could put this down to Bender being able to interact with computers and machinery somewhat in the same way as The Drummer or Mayor Hundred or something, or that he has an exceptionally useful, Tardis-like chest cavity storage space, or a ton of functions, useful or not within his body parts. Or maybe just that he can bend even that which is called unbendable. Honestly though, Bender is just cool.
Britt’s Take: This was a really good team. I liked the Lobster Johnson pick as well as Animal Man. Plus, going for Bender was an unexpected gem. But from I remember, Marvelman was somewhat crazy near the end of his run and Bender is usually drunk most of the time. I’m telling you that this team reminded me of the John Elway-led Denver Broncos; a team that would struggle initially but after time, would be probably a great cohesive unit.
Here’s a team drafted by Chuck T:
1. Judge Dredd. (Leader, Quality/Fleetwood and others) The gun, the badge, the man, the law. The original, old-school, MegaCityOne cop. Tell me Dredd doesn't scream smashmouth football.
2. Power Girl. (DC) I'd be surprised if this didn't turn up a lot. Super strong, super fast, super competitive. Gets the pick over She-Hulk just because she can fly.
3. Beast. (Marvel) Hank started out as a football player, and he's agile enough to dodge the speedsters and the stretchers.
4. Nightcrawler (Marvel) Kurt's a team player, and teleporting has got to get a sack or two.
5. The Heap (Eclipse? McFarlane?) A giant sewage monster? There's your line right there!
6. Impulse (DC) I want Bart as his old, impulsive, spazz version. Besides, he's young enough to recover from crippling injuries faster.
7. The Maxx (Image) Big, weird guy that can run like a mother. Great pick since no one's really sure what he can do, and no ego there.
8. Magnus, Robot Fighter (Valiant) Needed an indy here, but tell me he can't kick a 70-yard field goal.
Britt’s Take: Great pull on Magnus, a very underrated hero. And the football logic with the selections was pretty smart. But I’m just not seeing it. Maybe it’s the fact that The Heap was a reach at the five spot or there was another team who had the Beast/Nightcrawler combo. Regardless, it’s a solid team but nothing too spectacular.
Winding down here at the Superhero draft, next up is another entry from Coppell, TX – this one was submitted by Brian M.:
“The Eliminators”
1. Wolverine (Marvel) – Melee, healing factor
2. Captain America (Marvel) – Melee, leader, super strength
3. Grifter (DC/Wildstorm) - Marksman
4. Dr. Fate (DC) – Magic, protection
5. The Tick (New England Press) – Unstoppable tank
6. Spawn (Image) – Magic, weapons
7. Snake Eyes (Image) – stealth, melee
8. Sonic the Hedgehog (Archie) – speed, annoyance
Britt’s Take: While the overall composite of the team is decent, it's is too front-loaded with very popular heroes. Plus, where’s the diversity? C’mon, where’s the eye candy? I know if I was a male superhero, I wouldn’t join a team without at least one female. Not that there is anything wrong with an all-male superhero team but it’s just not my thing. And Sonic is more of a mascot than a team member; kinda like Gleek.
Lastly, here’s Tyler W. from Plano, TX:
My team, codename: Freaks and Geeks
#1 (leader) Tom Strong (America's Best/ DC). He's Tom Strong. In addition to being strong, he's a brilliant scientist and superb tactician. He has also been in the game longer than almost anyone and has faced a wide variety of threats. In addition, he would
have the team make a difference in the community...seriously...like telling kids to stay in school... and stuff.
#2 Invincible (Image)- An invulnerable with flight and superstrength is a must, but get someone who's younger and less experienced to weed out the jerks.
#3 Beast (Marvel)- We have genius on the Team, but not Medical Doctor/Geneticist genius. In addition to serving as medic, Beast is more than capable of holding his own on a battle field.
#4 Nightcrawler (Marvel)- The acrobat/ teleporter who always has your back. In addition he's a decent swordfighter and can serve as group chaplain.
#5 Rex (Wildstorm Signature/DC) The ever loving blue eyed Thi...um, Rex! the Furst family's ever loving Monster monarch is the guy you can kick back and have a beer with. Also, he's strong.
#6 Monkeyman (Dark Horse) I figure there's no way that Tom Strong can be on a team without a talking ape.
#7 Scud the Disposable Assassin (FM Press) Ditto to the fact the team needs a robot. But the robot should also be funny.
#8 The Great Red Dragon (Cartoon Books) He can kinda stop crimes by just laying there, I mean he's a giant dragon. Also, team mates could ride on him, if he's cool with that.
Britt’s Take: I totally dig the Tom Strong/Monkeyman/Scud trifecta. But there are some problems. There are some duplicates of other picks (Beast, Nightcrawler, and Incredible), no females and a prototypical mascot with the last pick really screws up this draft. The current lineup just doesn’t seem balanced.
How did the draft go for you guys? Did I miss something in the rules? Does anyone else want to do another one with a company limitation? Let me know and I’ll set it up for a future column.
That’s it for this week. Catch ya next time. Don’t forget to keep your bags and boards together and your continuity straight.
Send column-specific e-mail using the link below. You can also read about my thoughts on the new Atari Retro console, Mountain Dew Pitch Black, and nekkid old women as well as my current eBay auctions at brittschramm.com. Plus, I also review anything and everything that has to do with Pop Culture at Kung Fu Rodeo.
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