By Chris Ryall
Monday, September 20
STILL STANDING -- 8 PM, CBS
Season Premiere! Sorry, Jamie Gertz, but the bad news is, you do have to go back work and film 22 more of these shows this season.
ONE ON ONE -- 8 PM, UPN
Season Premiere! If UPN is trying to corner the market on generic, nondescript titles for their shows, I'd say they're well on their way.
LISTEN UP -- 8:30 PM, CBS
Debut! George Costanza finally gets that sportscaster job he thought he would've been good at. I'm not even worried about "good," I just hope it lasts longer than his last post-SEINFELD attempt.
EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND -- 8 PM, CBS
Season Premiere! I remember a few weeks last season when I was so happy that this show was finally going away. That time's passed.
HALF AND HALF -- 8:30 PM, UPN
Season Premiere! What can I say about this show? (No, really, I have no idea what this show's about other than the fact that IRON EAGLE co-stars on the show.)
GIRLFRIENDS -- 9 PM, UPN
Season Premiere! I don't know...the girlfriends seem to be taking a bit of a backseat as the boyfriend gets more and more attention. Ain't that always the way?
TWO AND A HALF MEN -- 9:30 PM, CBS
Season Premiere! Was Sean Penn also in Heidi Fleiss's black book> Because if not, I really don't understand how Charlie Sheen talked him into appearing on this show tonight.
SECOND TIME AROUND -- 9:30 PM, UPN
Debut! A real-life engaged couple plays a couple who got divorced and then remarried. I'm good with UPN's KEVIN HILL this season, but can't see anything else of theirs I care too much about.
CSI MIAMI -- 10 PM, CBS
Season Premiere! These contract disputes really remove any mystery when the network announces that one of the show's characters is gonna get killed in this episode.
The Late Show with David Letterman: Janet Jackson, John Mayer
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Jon Stewart, Skye Sweetnam
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Flavor Flav
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Peter Gallagher, Pun Yin, Rachel Yamagata
Last Call with Carson Daly: Janeane Garafalo, Dov Davidoff, Breaking Benjamin, Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
Tuesday, September 21
GILMORE GIRLS -- 8 PM, WB
Season Premiere! Sometimes living with the opposite sex pays dividends on TV viewing, too. This show's one I'd normally never have watched and yet now have gotten attached to it.
MY WIFE AND KIDS -- 8 PM, ABC
Season Premiere! Somehow, I still cringe about the idea of most every family show...not sure why. But if you put a kid in your show, there's a good chance I'm out. Sorry, Damon.
ALL OF US -- 8 PM, UPN
Season Premiere! This Will Smith-inspired sitcom starts its second season and...uh...I, ROBOT wasn't very good. (What? Do you have anything better to say here?)
EVE -- 8:30 PM, UPN
Season Premiere! Ali Landry is on this show now, too? I had no idea. Guess I'd have to watch more than the pilot from a couple years ago to know these things.
FATHER OF THE PRIDE -- 9 PM, NBC
Obviously DreamWorks was as aware of this show's suckiness as the rest of us now are -- tonight, there's a guest-spot from Eddie Murphy's Donkey character from SHREK. Still won't help. Remember, we saw THE PJs.
ONE TREE HILL -- 9 PM, WB
Season Premiere! Chad Michael Murray turned down the role of Ryan on THE O.C. for a part on this show? And now he's starring with Paris Hilton in HOUSE OF WAX while the guy who's playing Ryan doesn't have any major movie in the works. And yet I'm not sure he got the better part of the deal.
ACCORDING TO JIM -- 9 PM, ABC
Season Premiere! Do you think there's a support group for the wives on shows like this, KING OF QUEENS and STILL STANDING?
RODNEY -- 9:30 PM, ABC
Debut! Rodney Carrington is another of those blue-collar stand-ups that amuse no one and yet get big sitcom deals. And I bet he's still funnier than Jim Belushi.
LAW & ORDER: SVU -- 10 PM, NBC
Season Premiere! Lewis Black is gonna show up here as a shock jock? Genius casting! Lea Thompson, hot off of HOWARD THE DUCK, is slated to stop by during the season, too.
NYPD BLUE -- 10 PM, ABC
Season Premiere! I think even people who've been loyal to this show for the last thirty-seven years just wish it'd go away by now. But you don't stop Dennis Franz that easily.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Richard Clarke
The Late Show with David Letterman: Matthew Perry, Lou Reed
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Jimmy Fallon, the "Comb Over"
filmmaker, Ashlee Simpson
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Matthew Fox, Jeff Foxworthy
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Matt LeBlanc, Terry Gross
Last Call with Carson Daly: Mark Cuban, Citizen Cope, No Use for a Name
Wednesday, Septmber 22
SMALLVILLE -- 8 PM, WB
Season Premiere! The big news this season is that Clark flies, finally, and Lois Lane shows up, too. Unfortunately, still no word on Lori Lemaris making an appearance.
LOST -- 8 PM, ABC
Debut! Well, here's the best new show of the fall season, but ABC's already looking to mess it up. This is more of a 9 PM or 10 PM show, not an 8 PM show (ABC had to trim bits from the excellent pilot for this time slot). Still, I have huge hopes for this, and the pilot knocked me out, so please give this one a chance. I think you'll be sucked in by the plane crash (not as literally as someone on this episode but...you'll see.
AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL -- 8 PM, UPN
Season Premiere! Tyra, Janice Dickinson and all the other nameless, faceless models that look exactly like the girls on the past two seasons.
YOUR MOVIE SHOW -- 8 PM, MTV
Want to catch MOVIE POOP SHOOT's own Matt Singer (The Good, the Bad & the Ugly) on the tube? Tune in here. MTV's starting a new show to offer the younger generation of movie critics a voice. The show, focusing on good movie critics fromthe age of 18-22 (or so), will feature Matt, among others, discussing SHARK'S TALE and other flicks. Check him out here and see that Peter Parker lives! (Love ya, Matt. Knock 'em dead!)
THE MOUNTAIN -- 9 PM, WB
Debut! This new WB series is like DAWSON'S CREEK (and features on of the actors on that show), only minus the creek and with the addition of snow and extreme sports.
THE BACHELOR -- 9 PM, ABC
Season Premiere! Hey, great idea..older contestants, dueling bachelors...this show's becoming WHO WANTS TO MARRY MY DAD meets WIFE SWAP. And by that I mean all three shows suck.
VERONICA MARS -- 9 PM, UPN
Debut! This show will normally air on Tuesdays, but the premiere is here, and it's not a bad show--a 17-year-old private dick helps her dad, the photog from JUST SHOOT ME. But it's better than that description.
CSI: NY -- 10 PM, CBS
Debut! "Lieutenant Dan! You're solving crimes in New York City now! And you got legs!" This show's going to be like the Las Vegas and Miami shows, only minus the glitz and sun, respectively, and with a bit more grime.
LAW & ORDER -- 10 PM, NBC
Season Premiere! Finally...er, I mean, sadly, Jerry Orbach has left the show, but he's being replaced by Dennis Farina, who should be a breath of fresh air for this show. Finally.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Marc Racicot
The Late Show with David Letterman: Johnny Knoxville, The Walkmen
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Jimmy Fallon, the "Comb Over" filmmaker, Ashlee Simpson
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: John C. Reilly
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Matt LeBlanc, Terry Gross
Last Call with Carson Daly: Stephen Colbert, Method Man, No Use for a Name
Thursday, September 23
EXTREME MAKEOVER -- 8 PM, ABC
Season Premiere! It's really not even right to call this show's first episode of the fall a "season premiere." That makes it sound like this is an actual, viable program and not sensationalistic, terrible crap.
CSI -- 9 PM, CBS
Season Premiere! What's with all these CSI stars getting ahead of themselves and asking for more money? On CSI: MIAMI, it resulted in a character getting axed, and here, two of them come crawling back with no raise at all.
WITHOUT A TRACE -- 10 PM, CBS
Season Premiere! If this show's ratings improve any more, their next case will be to find out what happened to E.R...
E.R. -- 10 PM, NBC
Season Premiere! So Alex Kingston is too old for this show, eh? Well, how about taking the tiring Noah Wylie with her? Hell, just leave Linda Cardellini on the show and I'll be happy.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Matthew Broderick
The Late Show with David Letterman: The Rock, liz Phair
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Julie Scardina with Sea World animals, Keith Urban
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Ying Yang Twins, Lou Rawls
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Johnny Knoxville, Katie Holmes
Last Call with Carson Daly: Donald Trump, Dennis Hope, Nelly, No Use for a Name
Friday, September 24
JOAN OF ARCADIA -- 8 PM, CBS
Season Premiere! First CBS strikes gold with this show, a much younger-skewing show than they usually run with, and now they're "darkening" the show up a bit more. Can they...is it possible that CBS is maybe getting...dare I say...cool?
8 SIMPLE RULES -- 8 PM, ABC
Season Premiere! How long can one show keep surviving on sympathy? Because this one sure isn't surviving on laughs at this point. Still, it keeps David Spade off the street.
COMPLETE SAVAGES -- 8:30 PM, ABC
Season Premiere! Not my kind of show (again with the families of kids), but this one, kinda based on Mel Gibson's home life and starring five kids and Keith Carradine, will hopefully be the anti-QUINTUPLETS.
JAG -- 9 PM, CBS
Season Premiere! Well, I'd like to thank Maxim (or maybe it was Stuff, or FHM, or...) for introducing me to Catherine Bell, someone I'd never have seen before since she's on this show. Not that it's so bad, just, you know, Friday.
HOPE & FAITH -- 9 PM, ABC
Season Premiere! Well, I still like Ted McGinley (coasting on that late Jefferson D'Arcy fame) and I don't even really mind Kelly Ripa. But put them together on a show with Faith Ford and you've got ure sitcom poison.
LESS THAN PERFECT -- 9:30 PM, CBS
Season Premiere! Really, couldn't they use this name for every show on ABC on Friday nights?
DR. VEGAS -- 10 PM, CBS
Debut! If you were going to bet on this lame show being cancelled pretty early, well, I'd double down on that if I were you.
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Blair Underwood, Patti Scialfa
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: George Lopez
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Rob Lowe, Jill Hennessy, Elvis Costello
The Late, Late Show with Craig Kilborn: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Jim Breuer, Bill Bellamy, Ari Hest, Paul Rodriquez, No Use for a Name
Saturday, September 25
BRADY BUNCH MARATHON -- 6 AM, TVLand
How many of the Cousin Oliver episodes you think they'll air during this day-long affair? Right, none. But I bet Johnny Bravo makes an appearance.
SAMURAI JACK -- 7 PM, Cartoon
Series Finale! This four-hour block ends the show's original run and includes 20 chapters of the Star Wars CLONE WARS shorts peppered throughout, too.
THE AMAZING RACE -- 8 PM, CBS
Season Premiere! Where's the all-midget show? I'd be all over every episode of an all-midget season. I [UPDATE: This show won't> debut her after all. CBS has pulled this premiere until at least October or November. More details as we know them. (thanks to Scott Benner for the info]
THE VENTURE BROTHERS -- 8 PM, Cartoon Network
For everyone who complains that there are no good animated shows on any more, I challenge you to maintain that stance after watching this show. I finally got around to checking it out and I'm glad I did.
NOVA -- 8 PM, PBS
Season Premiere: Learn the origin of the universe in this special four-part look at something that scientists really have no clue about.
HUSTLE -- 9 PM, ESPN
Tom Sizmore, that is one horrible wig. Seriously, I know you're in hiding from Heidi Fleiss but even still, the mess of a Moe Howard 'do you're sporting as Pete Rose in this movie is pretty much too ridiculous to eve watch. I'd be willing to bet that even glory-hound Pete won't watch this.
IN THE CUT -- 10 PM, Cinemax
Well, weekend Cinemax fans, you do get nudity here but it's in the form of 40-year-old Meg Ryan, playing against type in a tedious murdery mystery. Enjoy.
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE -- 11:30 PM, NBC
Host & Musical Guest: Justin Timberlake
Sunday, September 26
ENDURANCE: HAWAII -- 11:30 PM, NBC
Season Premiere! NBC knows all about making us endure HAWAII, since they bring us that crappy show by the same name every week. For now.
THE CLUBHOUSE -- 8 PM, CBS
Debut! Reverend Jim Ignatasky is back on TV, this time as the equipment manager of Dean Cain's baseball team. This feels like a family friendly WB show, but for all that, it's still pretty decent.
AMERICAN DREAMS -- 8 PM, NBC
Season Premiere! It's time for the show that contrives plots around current pop stars that dress up as past pop stars. ...yay...even worse, this season, they've got Nicole Ritchie slated to show up.
EXTREME MAKEOVER: HOME EDITION -- 8 PM, ABC
Season Premiere! This season, this show's going on the road to makeover houses in other states and...oh, really, who cares?
REVENGE OF THE MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN -- 9 PM, CBS
Hey, Christine Lahti, I saw you on JACK AND BOBBY last week and you should really be getting yourself a bite to eat instead of getting revenge on anyone other than your dietician.
LAW & ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT -- 9 PM, NBC
Season Premiere! Tonight, Private Pyle goes after a shock jock played by Michelle Pfeiffer's ex. Is it me or are "shock jock" episodes always just terribly lame?
101 MOST UNFORGETTABLE SNL MOMENTS -- 9 PM, E!
This show, running for the next week, was going to be the most FORGETTABLE moments, but when they realized they were up to 1001 and still not done, they changed to this.
THE WORST WEEK OF MY LIFE -- 9 PM, BBC America
Debut! This show's about the last week before people's weddings. Worst week of my life? Nah, not at all. That'd be the week the bill for the engagement ring showed up.
CROSSING JORDAN -- 10 PM, NBC
Season Premiere! I once crossed JORDAN while flipping around with the remote. Kept right on going. Even moreso now that Vern from STAND BY ME has joined the cast.
STILL BRADY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS -- 10 PM, TVLand
Still sick of these Brady Bunch retrospectives, too. Jenny McC
All show times Pacific Standard Time and all opinions are fighting for a Wild Card spot.
Chris Ryall
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