By Chris Ryall
Monday, July 18
THE SCHOLAR -- 8 PM, ABC
Season Finale! I don't know... you'd think if the guys on this show were really smart, they'd find some way to trick producers into letting them onto a reality show with scantily clad women instead of one where they have to actually think.
TAMING THE WILD WEST -- 8 PM, History
This special on Jedediah Smith, a trapper from the Old West, actually kicks off a week of Wild West shows--that's right, on the History Channel, even the Nazis are allowed to take a vacation once in a while.
BTK KILLER SPEAKS -- 8 PM, A&E
You screwed up, BTK. If you'd only thought to be a psychotic killer after you got famous--and you relocated to California--you might be home looking for your next "project" right now. Instead, you're trying to plead your case to a public who's just waiting for the switch to be thrown.
SPEED -- 8 PM, FX
Stay on this channel or get off? Get off, of course. How many times would you say I've used that same joke in the last three years, anyway? I'd venture it was a lot.
SUMMERLAND -- 9 PM, WB
Series Finale! Surf's not up anymore.
HELL'S KITCHEN -- 9 PM, Fox
Season Finale! And this overbaked reality show is finally sent to the garbage disposal and... hmm, you'd think I could've found a better food-related analogy than that. But nope.
SHARK WEEK -- 9 PM, Discovery
This week actually started last night at 9, but really kicks into gear here with this suddenly topical special on surviving shark bites. Don't worry, sharks get theirs on Thursday.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Woodward & Bernstein
The Late Show with David Letterman: Billy Bob Thornton, Jermaine Dupri
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Senator John McCain, "Wicked"
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Caprice, Fall Out Boy
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Amanda Peet, Gene Wilder
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Tuesday, July 19
I WANT TO BE A HILTON -- 9 PM, NBC
Boxer Lennox Lewis shows up to teach croquet. Be honest, Len, how bad did the hostess of this show make you want to uncork just one haymaker? She makes me feel like that and I've never even had formal training.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: UNCAGED -- 9 PM, Discovery
The great white onslaught continues here with some guys who got stranded outside their shark cage. And the fact that they're airing this footage here tonight tells you if they survived or not.
SHOOTOUT -- 9 PM, History
Debut! This series looks at violent confrontations from the past, and yet it surprisingly doesn't include Nazis. Instead, it's set in Iraq, which'll make it hard to differentiate from any cable news show right now.
RESCUE ME -- 10 PM, FX
So it took me a season to really fully appreciate this show for what it is, and that is one of the best dramas on any channel at all right now. Pay attention, HBO.
MIAMI INK -- 10 PM, TLC
Debut! Tattoo shows are the new "home makeover" show, evidently, judging by this and tomorrow night's other tat show that debuts on A&E.
EXTREME DODGEBALL -- 10 PM, OLN
Season Premiere! After having seen it once, I'm now going to extreme measures to avoid that Dodgeball movie with Ben Stiller. Vince Vaughn, not even you could save that one.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Billy Bob Thornton
The Late Show with David Letterman: Greg Kinnear, Julie Chen
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Diane Lane, Len Berman, Babyface
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Ray Lewis
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Billy Bob Thornton
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Preston Clarke
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Wednesday, July 20
GOOD MORNING AMERICA -- 7 AM, ABC
Any Boomers reading this column? If you are, I bet you think this listing is about you--you're so vain. By which I mean that Carly Simon is performing here today, if you're interested in hearing her new music.
SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE -- 8 PM, Fox
Debut! You know what's worse than watching amateurs sing on TV? Right, watching them dance. This AMERICAN IDOL spin-off will hopefully electric slide right off the schedule, and put a stop to the dancing shows before Denny Terrio starts feeling like he should make a comeback.
HARD ROCK LIVE -- 8 PM, MTV
Videogame soundtrack fave band SIMPLE PLAN shows up to play here. Since it's MTV, and based on their initial Live 8 coverage, expect a lot of commercials and pretty poor camera work.
ONE STEP BEYOND -- 8 PM, Discovery
Debut! This show doesn't quite sound like MYTHBUSTERS, but it kinda sorta looks at explaining things in the same way, only these things are more supernatural in nature.
BRAT CAMP -- 9 PM, ABC
It costs $12,000 to send your kid to this camp for 30 days? You could set them straight by having them spend one hour in a crack den and save yourself the twelve large, you know.
INKED -- 9 PM, A&E
Debut! Finally, a reality show where the people featured on the show are at least visually interesting to look at.
AMERICAN MASTERS -- check local, PBS
It's nice to see a comedian like Bob Newhart, who managed to have an entire career in comedy without having to act overly "large," get honored on a show like this. Not to mention another chance for the "Bob" drinking game during the clips they show here tonight.
CRISS ANGEL: MINDFREAK -- 10 PM, A&E
Debut! Criss Angel, who looks like the Crow minus the makeup, only with a more ridiculously contrived name, and who performs on the streets like David Blaine, could use one more big disappearing act in his repertoire to make me happy...
VENUS & SERENA: FOR REAL -- 10 PM, ABC Family
Debut! As long as they keep their crazy dad off this reality show that shows the sisters off the tennis court, it might be interesting. But no one wants to see yet another loony sports dad get more attention. Right, Todd Marinovich and Tiger Woods?
30 DAYS -- 10 PM, FX
Season Finale! Here you go--a mom binge-drinks to teach her sons about the evils of binge-drinking. Of course, during the show, she slept with all of their friends and had projectile vomiting, which will only convince the kids to find other binge-drinking dames out there.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
The Late Show with David Letterman: Maggie Gyllenhaal, Michael Clarke Duncan
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Kyra Sedgwick, D.L. Hughley
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Maggie Gyllenhaal
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Dave Foley
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Thursday, July 21
THIS IS SPORTSCENTER -- 7 PM, ESPN
Stuart Scott takes you behind the scenes of the show so you can see what goes in to putting SPORTSCENTER together each day. So it's like SPORTS NIGHT minus the snappy dialogue and cute female characters.
ATTACK OF THE SABERTOOTH -- 9 PM, Sci Fi
Robert Carradine goes up againts the cat with the big fangs. But you know what this means, Sabertooth--if you survive this movie, you've gotta face... MANSQUITO.
SHARK WEEK -- 9 PM, Discovery
Tonight, Shark Hunter: Chasing the Great White. Although, careful out there, all you would-be Quints--remember what happened to him when he hunted a certain great white.
WILD 'N OUT -- 10 PM, MTV
Debut! If future generations of kids grow up unable to speak clearly, don't blame teachers or text-messaging, blame MTV and their badly named shows, like this one starring Nick Cannon in a WHOSE HIP-HOP LINE IS IT ANYWAY-type of of thing.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Fareed Zakaria
The Late Show with David Letterman: Courtney Cox, Elvis Costello
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Phil Vassar
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: (R)
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Michael Clarke Duncan, Kings of Leon
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Friday, July 22
FIREFLY -- 7 PM, Sci Fi
Now all of you who never saw the show, or don't have the DVD set, have a chance to see every episode before the big-screen SERENITY opens, including the three unaired episodes, too.
INTO THE WEST -- 8 PM, TNT
Series Finale! Uh-oh. The final episode of this show that was produced by Steven Spielberg. And we all know that Steven has forgotten how to do convincing or successful endings now, so consider yourself warned about a possible let-down.
SUPER AGENT -- 10 PM, SpikeTV
Debut! "Hey, I have a great idea for a show for my client. Except, that is, I'm kind of my own client." A bunch of agents try to get the gig of repping Detroit Lions defenseman Shaun Cody in the NFL draft.
FRIDAY THE 13TH, PART VI: JASON LIVES -- 10:30 PM, AMC
This movie might be ridiculous and pretty awful overall, but it's worth catching the opening 20 minutes for the resurrection scene. Clock out after that, though.
The Late Show with David Letterman: Tom Arnold, Jessica Biel
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Kurt Russell, Mark Zupan, Robert Plant
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: John Cena
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Common
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Saturday, July 23
COPS -- 8 PM, Fox
In this new episode, trashy white guys and trashy black guys run afoul of the law. I mean, I haven't seen this episode, but it seems a pretty safe assumption, anyway.
VOLCANO: NATURE UNLEASHED -- 9 PM, Sci Fi
More like BAD CGI: UNLEASHED.
BACK TO YOU AND ME -- 9 PM, Hallmark
Lisa Hartman-Black returns to TV and... what do you mean, you didn't notice she was gone, and you're not quite sure who she is, anyway? She was... well, okay, I'm with you there. But there's maybe a couple KNOTS LANDING fans who'll be excited.
SHAUN OF THE DEAD -- 10 PM, Cinemax
Sure, you could subscribe to Cinemax and pay another $9.95 to watch this movie, or you could just drop down four bucks at your local comic shop and catch, uh, part one... of four and... well, the art looks good! But maybe you're better of watching this and getting the comic. I hear the writer is hot (according to Paris Hilton).
Sunday, July 24
PIZZA MY HEART -- 7 PM, ABC Family
One of the signs of the impending TV apocalypse--Nick Tortelli is appearing on ABC Family.
WHALE RIDER -- 9 PM, PBS
I know most of you never even flip by PBS, let alone consider watching it, but I figure I should at least recommend one movie for real this week--considering the name of the column and all--so consider this a serious recommendation.
AMERICAN DAD -- 9:30 PM, Fox
Here's the pilot episode again, if you have any interest in watching the show that convinced me to never give this show another look.
MINDING THE STORE -- 10 PM, TBS
I'm a little tired of hearing Pauly Shore talk about how he's a "sex addict." He's just lucky some women are "money and/or fame addicts," so he can keep feeding his supposed addiction. Not that I think he's being entirely straight with us here, but that's all I'll say about that.
HARVEY BIRDMAN: ATTORNEY AT LAW -- 11:45 PM, Cartoon
Season Premiere! Well, if you wait the entire week out, you can finally at least catch one good legal show, even if it is only fifteen minutes long.
All show times Pacific Standard Time and all opinions should be used as shark bait.
Chris Ryall
E-MAIL THE AUTHOR |
ARCHIVES
