By Chris Ryall
Monday, July 25
UFOs: THEN AND NOW -- 8 PM, History
UFOs then: Blurry, out-of-focus and inconclusive pictures. UFOs now: Blurry, out-of-focus and inconclusive digital pictures. What progress we've made!
HELL'S KITCHEN -- 9 PM, Fox
You know, it's hard enough to find guys who're willing to get into the kitchen and cook. Do we really need a show that helps discourage them from doing so?
THE CLOSER -- 9 PM, TNT
Kyra Sedgwick on this show is one more reason why it's worth paying to get movie actors on TV shows. She makes this show worth watching, even if the plots weren't great. But so far, those've been solid, too.
THE DIVE FROM CLAUSON'S PIER -- 9 PM, Lifetime
No wonder Will Estes took a dive into the drink--he ended up making movies on Lifetime. He better thank Fox for the upcoming REUNION every chance he gets, or next thing he knows, he'll be on O.
KILL REALITY -- 10 PM, E!
Debut! So E! is making a horror movie and they cast a lot of washed-up reality show stars in it? AND they're capturing it all for this reality show? That's an awfully lot of tape to waste on two unwatchable programs.
LAGUNA BEACH -- 10 PM, MTV
Season Premiere! Back to the same annoying Orange County teens who anyone over the age of 20 has a hard time watching. For some reason, I want my hot young beach-goers on TV to have their dialogue written for them. Officially, I mean.
GIRLS BEHAVING BADLY: REVENGE OF THE BOYS -- 10 PM, Oxygen
Um... am I the only one who thinks this show is one of the more ridiculously named shows out there? And am I also one of many who'd never watch a show on Oxygen? No need to answer that second part--it was rhetorical.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: NO RESERVATIONS -- 10 PM, Travel
If you think Tony seems angry for a chef who travels around, just wait until he catches the lame network sitcom adaptation of his book, KITCHEN CONFIDENTIAL, in the Fall.
TAMMY FAYE: DEATH DEFYING -- 10 PM, WE
So the scarily made-up Tammy Faye Baker has inoperable stage IV cancer? That's one way to get me to stop mocking you, I guess, but it's a bit of an extreme, and tragic, way to go about it. Less make-up would've been another way.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Sen. Rick Santorum
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Mariska Hargitay, Alanis Morisette
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: D.L. Hughley
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: James Woolsey
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Tuesday, July 26
SITUATION COMEDY -- 8 PM, Bravo
Debut! Sean Hayes and his partner host this reality show that watches people shoot a TV pilot and then try to sell it. Like PROJECT GREENLIGHT with a laugh track.
OFFICE SPACE -- 8 PM, AMC
Yeahhhhh... wait, do I even need to go into my "Lumberg" impersonation to convince you to watch this again, or is everyone full indoctrinated by now?
I WANT TO BE A HILTON -- 9 PM, NBC
After watching this vapid, obnoxious trainwreck of a mom prance around on this show, I'm pretty sure that not even Paris or Nikki want to be Hiltons any more.
DIRTY JOBS -- 9 PM, Discovery
Debut! As you sit here and watch people clean septic tanks and other bad things for a living, just remember that you're watching them do these nasty things for free--at least they're getting paid to do it.
EMPIRE -- 10 PM, ABC
Finale! This week, the fall of Rome. Or, in other words, "the end of that show that none of you were watching in the first place."
RESCUE ME -- 10 PM, FX
This show still shocks me each time I watch it. Not because of the raw language, but because of the fact that it's become such a damn good show.
REAL SPORTS WITH EVANDER HOLYFIELD -- 10 PM, HBO
James Brown talks to Evander Holyfield about his quest to die in the boxing ring. Which is still more dignified than doing a ballroom dancing reality show.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Diane lane
The Late Show with David Letterman: Andy Dick, Rachel Griffiths
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Bill Maher, World Series of Poker champ, Jason Mraz
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Jason Ritter
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Pete Arnett
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Wednesday, July 27
NIGELLA BITES -- 7 AM, Style
Nigella bites? I was prepared for her to nibble, but you know, I think I'd be fine with a full-on bite, too. She's the expert, after all.
AVERAGE JOE: THE JOES STRIKE BACK -- 8 PM, NBC
Season Finale! Hope the Joes strike back quickly, since this reality show didn't last very long.
R U THE GIRL WITH T-BOZ AND CHILLI -- 8 PM, UPN
Premiere! R U kidding me? Something seems wrong with a reality show where a band, TLC, is looking for a replacement for Lisa "Left Eye" Lopez and one of the first tasks they have contestants do is practice burning down football players' houses.
GHOST HUNTERS -- 8 PM, Sci Fi
Season Premiere! More unseen ghosts, more electrical feedback and staticy images... why does this vague show get a full season and MANSQUITO only gets one movie?
MASTER BLASTERS -- 9 PM, Sci Fi
Debut! This show about rocket science isn't brain surgery, it's rocket science! Or something. Professional geeks and amateur scientists compete to launch various things into the sky.
ROCK STAR: INXS -- 9:30 PM, CBS
You know who knows a lot about rock and roll? Anyone who's not named Brooke Burke, in comparison. What, there wasn't someone cute and competent to stand next to Dave Navarro? Was his wife busy?
OVER THERE -- 10 PM, FX
Debut! Is the world ready for a military drama set in Iraq? Producer Steven Bochco seems much more optimistic about the audience's desire to watch such a show than I am.
BLOW OUT -- 10 PM, Bravo
Season Finale! I guess the hair is finally straight and dry. I'm just going to let the "straight and dry" comment hang there, although it was unintentional when I first typed it.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Bob Costas
The Late Show with David Letterman: Kelly Preston, Aimee Mann, Jeff Altman
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Thomas Hayden Church, Gordon Ramsey, Jack Johnson
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Macy Gray, Joe Buck
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Thursday, July 28
LAW FIRM -- 9 PM, NBC
Debut! You know how legal shows are boring but still more interesting than real-life legal cases? Well, here's a legal reality show to out-bore even those. From David E. Kelley, avowed reality-show hater and hypocrite.
HOOKING UP -- 9 PM, ABC
What does it mean when people are so desperate, they turn to an electronic device to help them find satisfaction? No, I'm not talking about people who do online dating, I mean people who're so bored with their summer that they watch this nonsense?
NICK CANNON PRESENTS -- 10 PM, MTV
Debut! Finally, at least for a couple weeks, here's an answer to those questions of "who, exactly, is Nick Cannon and what's he ever done other than that one movie about the band?"
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Maggie Gyllenhaal
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Burt Reynolds, Jennifer Tilly, Garbage
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: (R)
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Friday, July 29
GOOD MORNING AMERICA -- 7 AM, ABC
Clay Aiken shows up to perform here. Which is one more reason to turn your alarm off and sleep in today.
G.I. JANE -- 6:50 PM, STARZ!
I'm sorry, Aragorn, as much as I know you'd love to forget all about ever appearing in this movie, we can't let you do that. You need it to keep you humble, o king.
ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT -- 8 PM, Fox
Decent programming on a Friday night, and during the summer, yet? Unheard of, especially on Fox. And yet here you go, back-to-back-to-back-to-back episodes of this show, one featuring the illustrious Tom Jane.
BATTLESTAR GALACTICA -- 10 PM, Sci Fi
Did you ever think you'd be watching, and liking, this show? People that lived through the original couldn't have seen this coming any more than people who were born after the lame first series. And yet, both agree that this is a damned good sci fi show.
WELCOME TO THE D.L. -- 11 PM, Comedy Central
Debut! One of the LATE LATE SHOW runners-up, D.L. Hughley, starts his weekly talk show here tonight, promising free drinks and a party atmosphere. Of course, so did Jimmy Kimmel when he got started, and look how that panned out: a dry green room and a duller show.
The Late Show with David Letterman: Sean Hayes
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Jessica Simpson, Josh Lucas, Jessica Simpson and Willie Nelson
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Jerry Ferrara
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Saturday, July 30
EVERYDAY ITALIAN -- 1 PM, Food
Well, Nigella Lawson, I think maybe you've just met your competition. If the way to a man's heart is through his stomach by way of an attractive chef, well then, I say fire up those grills. Er, not talking to you, Bobby Flay.
BOY MEETS GRILL -- 1:30 PM, Food
Bobby Flay is here to offer tips on man's real love affair during the summertime, with his barbecue. That whole "let the steak rest for 5 minutes before cutting" tip is really worth following, let me tell you.
K-PAX -- 8 PM, ABC
Hey, finally, another chance to see the movie that should've gotten Kevin Spacey suspended from showbiz for at least a year.
ROAD HOUSE -- 8 PM, Spike
The movie so beloved by fans all over the world that a sequel just HAD to be made... sixteen years later. And without Swayze as Dalton.
WANTED - 9 PM, TNT
I know Gary Cole has done other things (his Mike Brady comes to mind), and he can play a cop on an elite team of cops here, but he'll always be Lumberg to me, mmmkay?
BLOODSUCKERS -- 9 PM, Sci Fi
When is Sci Fi going to let me create a made-for-cable movie for them? I know I could impress them as much as this futuristic vampire movie--maybe not as much as the guy who created MANSQUITO, but close.
THE REN & STIMPY SHOW -- 9:30 PM, Nik
Remember when this show used to be funny, back when John Krik... John Krika... back when John K. used to be in charge? These reruns will remind you of why you thought that.
BILL MAHER: I'M SWISS -- 10 PM, HBO
You know, Bill Maher, as much as you're an obnoxious little Leprechaun, I do kinda like your talk show. So why do you have to push your built-up good will and do an unfunny comedy special, too?
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE -- 11:30 PM, NBC
Host: ; Musical guest:
Sunday, July 31
BEACH GIRLS -- 8 PM, Lifetime
Debut! The sad career arc of actor Rob Lowe: appear, and sleep with, hot fellow Brat-Packers back in the '80s. Appear, and sleep with, two sixteen-year-old girls in a homemade porno. Appear on a popular show, THE WEST WING. And now... the nadir: appear on a new Lifetime series. Might be time to get your real estate license, Rob.
FOOTBALLER$ WIVES -- 9 PM, BBC America
Often, when a show, especially an import show, gets a lot of press, it's not quite deserved and is instead because a critic wants to sound smart. In this case, the show deserves the hype.
PATRICK STEWART -- 9:30 PM, Fox
Patrick Stewart, you're Captain Picard. Professor Charles Xavier. Ebeneezer Scrooge. In short, you're much too good to waste your time appearing on this doomed and unfunny show.
WANTED -- 10 PM, TNT
Debut! Another new Aaron Spelling show, this time featuring OFFICE SPACE's Lumberg, along with Kyra Sedgwick, as undercover cops? I'm gonna need them go ahead and work on Saturday, too, mmmm-kay?
COMET COLLISION -- 10 PM, Discovery
The fact that we were able to launch something that struck and exploded a moving comet in deep space is maybe more than my mind is able to process, but this show tries to explain just how scientists were able to accomplish this without calling Bruce Willis or Affleck.
MINDING THE STORE -- 10 PM, TBS
So Pauly Shore offered the first 250K viewers a $1 money-back guarantee if they don't like his new show? Where was this offer while I was wasting my time on BIO DOME?
All show times Pacific Standard Time and all opinions would like to offer a funny-back guarantee.
Chris Ryall
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