By Chris Ryall
Monday, August 8
RENOVATE MY FAMILY -- 8 PM, Fox
Return: So not only are we stuck with Dr. Phil for almost another decade, but now his kid gets to invade our houses, too? Well, only if we let him. And I ain't doing that.
UFOs: THEN AND NOW -- 8 PM, History
UFOs Then: Blurry, indistinct spots on photographs and shaky, handheld videos; UFOs Now: Um, not a whole lot different.
MISS TEEN USA -- 9 PM, NBC
Happy anniversay, pedophiles! It's been one year since you last were able to gawk at teenagers in tight clothes and not have to worry about security guards asking you to move on.
BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE -- 9 PM, ABC Family
Debut! Daphne Zuniga, fresh off SPACEBALLS... well, okay, not exactly fresh off that movie, but she was in it, anyway... years ago. Um, what was I saying? Oh, yeah, she's in this new series.
WILD ON -- 9 PM, E!
Season Premiere: Career skank Tara Reid, who I nevertheless like to watch no matter how sleazy she gets, and maybe I watch because of that fact, takes over as host here tonight. Is there any more perfect pairing in the history of television?
ROCK STAR: INXSTWO AND A HALF MEN -- 9:30 PM, CBS
Oops... if you're looking for this show in this spot, you're only going to find a bad TWO AND A HALF MEN rerun instead... but try VH-1 on Sundays at 8 for this episode now. A real vote of confidence for the show, let me tell you.
HOME OF THE BRAVE -- 10 PM, Court TV
Exactly one white woman was killed during the civil rights struggles of the '60s. So of course she'd be the one to get her own documentary.
TOO LATE WITH ADAM CAROLLA -- 11:30 PM, Comedy Central
Debut! The Howard Stern replacement and perennial runner-up finally gets four chances a week to prove what we already know, that he's funnier than Jimmy Kimmel.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Paul Rudd
The Late Show with David Letterman: Kate Hudson, Michelle Wie
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Matt Damon, Tommy Lee
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Kevin Nealon
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Tuesday, August 9
JOURNEY OF MAN -- 8 PM, PBS
Spencer Wells, a geneticist, traces a DNA trail around the world and back thousands of years. Which is all well and good, but this is a live show, and I'm trying to figure out why that is. A taped version seems just as appropriate.
I WANT TO BE A HILTON -- 9 PM, NBC
Season Finale: If there was anyone left who still wanted to be a Hilton after watching Paris's bad reality show and hearing her sister's horrible voice, well, the mom should have even cured the faithful of this desire after this show.
R U THE GIRL WITH T-BOZ AND CHILI -- 9 PM, UPN
You see what the dog days of August television have driven me to? I'm left mentioning terrible reality shows where the search for a fill-in singer for one song that's already recorded minus the chorus is treated like it matters at all.
SITUATION: COMEDY -- 9 PM, Bravo
This show has a lot of situations, alright, but so far the comedy is a bit forced, if it's even there at all.
MAN, MOMENT, MACHINE -- 10 PM, History
Debut: The host of this show's name is Hunter Ellis, which sounds like a definite stage name. Still, the recounting of a 1939 submarine rescue, the first of its kind, sounds interesting enough.
'70S HOUSE -- 10:30 PM, MTV
I think Erik Estrada is contractually obligated to show up on any show that has the word "'70s" in the title. Either that or he showed up and just won't leave.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Kate Hudson
The Late Show with David Letterman: Bill Maher, Rachel McAdams
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: James Woods, pint size piano prodigy, Nicklecreek
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Johnny Knoxville
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Wednesday, August 10
THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL -- 1:30 PM, CBS
The latest SURVIVOR winner gets crowned, wins a million bucks and then finds himself booked on this show? I know you just got one, but it's time for a new agent, pal.
GHOST HUNTERS -- 8 PM, Sci Fi
These hunters have never quite caught anything, have they? Even worse, they've never been slimed. Every ghost hunter worth his or her salt needs to be slimed at least once.
UNFORGETTABLE MOMENTS IN TELEVISION ENTERTAINMENT -- 8:30 PM, NBC
Here's how lost this show is--they start with some Archie Bunker and NEWHART clips, but then end up with shots of Clay Aiken and Kelly Clarkson on AMERICAN IDOL. One of these things id definitely not like the others.
BRAT CAMP -- 9 PM, ABC
Only four of these little punks are left. I'm anxiously awaiting the sequel that many of these kids are headed toward, JUVENILE HALL.
MYTHBUSTERS -- 9 PM, Discovery
Remember that scene in the second Indiana Jones movie where they inflate a liferaft in mid-air and then use it as a parachute and a sled? Well, that myth is put to the test here tonight, and somehow, I think it'll end up busted.
DAVID BOWIE: REALITY TOUR -- 9:30 PM, PBS
A Bowie concert from 2003 doesn't sound all that exciting, but at least he performs some old classics like "Changes" and "Ziggy Stardust," and not an array of TIN MACHINE songs.
CRISS ANGEL: MINDFREAK -- 10 PM, A&E
Rob Zombie stops by to promote his movie, I mean, to bury this poseur in the ground. Unfortunately, he probably escapes.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: John Hockenberry
The Late Show with David Letterman: Rachel Griffiths
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Seann William Scott, Aqualing
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Eric Schaeffer
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Thursday, August 11
DAWSON'S CREEK -- 10 AM, TBS
Is this two-episode airing just for Tom Cruise? Because who else isn't working during these hours and is inclined to watch Katie Holmes and company on this overwrought show's first season episodes, being rerun here?
WILD N' OUT -- 9 PM, MTV
Okay, Nick Cannon has this new show which is kinda like "WILD ON" but much more tame, but isn't Orlando Jones a bit too old to be "wild'n out" here like he does tonight?
BEING BOBBY BROWN -- 10 PM, Bravo
Finale! It's the end of the season already? I'm still back on one of the first episodes and trying to figure out how cleaing up your diva wife's bathroom mess qualifies as "black love." Brown maybe, but not bla--okay, I won't finish that thought. But Whitney, get it together, huh?
STARVED -- 10 PM, FX
Has anyone been paying attention to FX's overal slate now? Pound for pound, I'd say they've surpassed HBO in offering a wide array of edgy, interesting shows, like this one, despite what the annoying protestors say.
IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA -- 10:30 PM, FX
Heather Donahoe Then: Interesting and realistic actress in THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT; Heather Donahoe A Year Ago: Annoying actress in TAKEN; Heather Now: No one I was hoping would do a guest-spot here, but she does anyway.
MAKING OF "ROME" -- 10:30 PM, HBO
Based on the lack of people watching ABC's recent Rome-themed EMPIRE, shouldn't HBO instead plan for a "Missing of" ROME, since the chances of people caring about this 12-part show aren't so great?
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Andre Benjamin
The Late Show with David Letterman: Ricky Gervais
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Steve Carell, Greta Von Sustern, Gavin DeGraw
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: (R)
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Friday, August 12
VERONICA MARS -- 8 PM, CBS
Okay, you UPN-phobes, no need to venture so far down the TV channels tonight, you get yet another VERONICA episode here. As part of the "program exchange program," THE PARKERS will soon be shown on CBS, too.
ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT -- 8 PM, Fox
Once again, you get four episodes of the show tonight, and if one never won you over before, I guarantee that at least one of these four will.
DEGRASSI: THE NEXT GENERATION -- 8 PM, PBS
When did this show start being aired on PBS? No matter--the notable point here is that this is the episode that Kevin directed. Which is for him the same as me being able to do a voiceover on THE SIMPSONS.
COSTAS NOW -- 9 PM, HBO
Bob talks to a steroid doctor. I can't imagine that talking to a doctor about steroid use in baseball would be interesting to anyone. We all know that no baseball players would ever use 'roids. After all, they told us so.
BATTLESTAR GALACTICA -- 10 PM, Sci Fi
I've been told I should mention this show every single week. I've also been told that none of my dumb jokes here are funny. I've chosen to disregard both these comments, but still, weeky mention or no, this show's still worth your time.
WEEDS -- 10 PM, Showtime
I know by this time in the night on Fridays many of you think it'd be cool, and convenient, to have a mom peddle weed in the neighborhood, but really, as you'll see here, you don't actually want that.
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Selma Blair, John Caparulo, Avril Lavigne
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Jennifer Tilly
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Saturday, August 13
PGA CHAMPIONSHIP -- 8 AM, TNT
Waking up to watch golf on any day but the finals has the same effect as drinking whiskey to sober up, right?
GYMNASTICS -- 8 PM, NBC
This'll teach you to stay home and watch TV on a Saturday night.
JURASSIC PARK III -- 8 PM, TNT
Maybe if dinosaurs really invaded San Diego, there'd be a bit more to do in this town. I know that I've often thought it could use a few more pteradactyls flying around to keep things interesting.
A FATHER...A SON...ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD -- 8 PM, HBO
Hey, Kirk and Michael Douglas, isn't there another Douglas you're forgetting? Never mind the long careers or the stroke or sex addiction (respectively), I'd rather hear about other son Erik's next flight on a plane that cuts off his drinks.
ALIEN EXPRESS -- 9 PM, Sci Fi
Sorry, Lou Diamond Phillips, but you got stuck in a pretty badly named Sci Fi movie. You should fire your agent for not getting a copy of the MANSQUITO script into your hands, though.
RAY -- 9:30 PM, HBO
Try to separate the fact that the star of this movie is the same guy in that awful STEALTH that's currently bombing out of theaters now. The guy in this movie is worth watching, anyway.
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE -- 11:30 PM, NBC
Host: TBD; Musical guest: TBD (R)
Sunday, August 14
ROCK STAR: INXS -- 8 PM, VH-1
Doesn't really matter that this episode, the one where everyone whines instead of sings, got moved to this channel on this night, since no one was watching anyway.
THE GIRLS NEXT DOOR -- 9 PM, E!
I know pretty much everyone who's been to the Playboy Mansion has a good story about their visit there, and I'm dying to share mine, but since it never showed up on a security camera, as far as I know, I'll just be discreet and say nothing until it does.
THE SURREAL LIFE -- 9 PM, VH-1
I'm fine Jose Canseco doing steroids, being an idiot, juicing up people like Rafael Palmeiro, and, well, being an idiot. But I never want to see him or the other guys on this show dress in women's lingerie. If you do, this episode is for you.
THE DEAD ZONE -- 10 PM, USA
Let me freak you, or at least me, out: the geek from SIXTEEN CANDLES and THE BREAKFAST CLUB, little Farmer Ted himself, is now only three years away from turning 40. Weird science, indeed.
PUNK'D -- 10 PM, MTV
Season Finale! Shaquille O'Neal shows up here and gets Punk'd a few weeks before he punk's Miami Heat management into handing him $100 million. More importantly, Avril Lavigne shows up here, too.
THE CELEBRITY ROAST: PAMELA ANDERSON -- 10 PM, Comedy Central
Yeah, good luck embarassing her.
BARBERSHOP: THE SERIES -- 10 PM, Showtime
Debut! This spin-off of the movie should be at least as good as the SUMMER SCHOOL or FERRIS BUELLER TV shows... not that anyone remembers either of those.
All show times Pacific Standard Time and all opinions are more over-exposed than Pam.
Chris Ryall
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