By Chris Ryall
Monday, August 15
BACKYARD HABITAT -- 11:30 AM, Animal Planet
DEBUT: Is this all about the crazy amount of spiders inhabiting people's backyards right now? Because it should be--my yard could be the setting for ARACHNAPHOBIA 2. Not that anyone would be foolish enough to make that sequel.
ESPN HOLLYWOOD -- 6 PM, ESPN
Debut: Um, ESPN, you should really realize that we all hate watching athletes try to sing and act and play sheriff, and certainly don't need a show that celebrates their diversions. Give with another Sportscenter airing instead.
A MAN WHO BECAME POPE -- 8 PM, Hallmark
The Vatican approved this movie, so you know there's not gonna be a lot of sex, violence or birth control featured in it. You're better off to wait for the version starring Angelina Jolie's dad as the Pontiff. No, really, it's coming.
SIX FEET UNDER 2001-2005 -- 8 PM, HBO
This retrospective of the about-to-conclude series might be better if aired next week, right after the finale, but either way, it's a solid look back at a likewise solid show.
BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE -- 9 PM, ABC Family
Jacuzzi scenes on an ABC Family show? Now this is a family I'd like to be adopted by...
MY SUPER SWEET 16 -- 10:30 PM, MTV
Debut: You know how many--okay, most--16-year-olds are annoying? Well, here's some extremely annoying ones to really reinforce that feeling in the rest of us.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Steev Carell
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Howie Mandell, Jeff Corwin, Hilary Duff
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Wes Craven
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Tuesday, August 16
THE 2005 TEEN CHOICE AWARDS -- 8 PM, Fox
Every year, this show features some inappropriate 40-year-old celeb who tries to act cool with the teens. Last year, it was Tom Cruise? This year, Deuce Bigalow, who co-hosts next too a girl too young to even realistically be his daughter, although they seem related by the fact that they both make obnoxious movies, Hilary Duff.
DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER -- 8 PM, A&E
Six straight episodes of DOG? That's a lot of mullet to take in for one night.
TOMMY LEE GOES TO COLLEGE -- 9 PM, NBC
Debut: What makes Tommy Lee thinks any of us have any interest in watching him on TV if he's not on a boat at Lake Powell with his ex-wife?
ROCK STAR: INXS -- 10 PM, CBS
It's just my luck that I finally get sucked into watching a reality show and it happens to be the one that no one else is watching. At least I could feel like I'm not totally alone in wasting an hour on this show if, whenever I brought it up in conversation, people didn't look at me the same way I look at them when they talk about SURVIVOR or IDOL.
SHORTEST CELEBRITY MARRIAGES -- 2 AM, VH-1
I don't know who's currently in the lead for this, but I'm betting the new record will be set by Jennifer Lopez and the guy she's going to marry after Marc Anthony.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: TBD
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Norm MacDonald, Ashlee Simpson, Pras
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Tommy Lasorda
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Wednesday, August 17
THE OFFICE -- 8 PM, NBC
Alright, all you Ricky Gervais snobs. Here's a two-hour marathon to prove to you that the American version starring the 40-Year-Old Virgin is actually much better than you thought it would be.
BRAT CAMP -- 9 PM, ABC
Season Finale: Be warned--all these little monsters are now out on bail and out of jail and that's the way it goes. Rough!
BATTLE OF THE NETWORK REALITY STARS -- 9 PM, Bravo
Debut: I don't know whose bright idea it was to replace people like William Devane from the '70s with people like Ryan Starr now, but the bigger question is why this show has the word "STARS" in the title.
LITTLE BRITAIN -- 9 PM, BBC America
Season Premiere!: A British sketch comedy show that's not BENNY HILL, so it's got that going for it. It also has BUFFY's Giles as the prime minister, another reason to make this worth a look.
TOP GEAR -- 10 PM, Discovery
Since tonight's episode is the closest most of us will come to driving a Ferrari F60 supercar, I'd recommend you throw on the driving gloves, open the windows and sit back and enjoy.
DREAM DISCOVERIES -- 10 PM, Discovery Health
Debut: I had a dream that the Discovery Health Channel was running out of ideas for shows. Can you please tell me what this dream means?
VENUS AND SERENA: FOR REAL -- 10 PM, ABC Family
Season Finale: I hope calling this a "season" finale doesn't mean that I'll have to ignore a second season, too...
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: TBD
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: The Bug Man, Kevin Nealon, Minnie Driver
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Arianna Huffington, Gigi Grazer
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Thursday, August 18
NFL PRE-SEASON FOOTBALL -- 8 PM, Fox
For the East Coast, anyway. Not that anyone but the hardest of hard-core sports nuts care about a worthless preseason game between the Saints and the Patriots.
CELEBRITY POKER SHOWDOWN -- 8 PM, Bravo
Season Premiere: Remember the old days--last year--when poker shows weren't overdone? And also back when actual celebrities appeared here, rather than annoying regular people like one of tonight's players, Omarosa?
LAW FIRM -- 9 PM, NBC
How's it feel, David E. Kelley, former avowed reality show-hater, to have your reality show cancelled prematurely? Does it feel anything like karma slapping you upside your face? Next time, stick with a conviction, willya?
STARVED -- 10 PM, FX
If you're starved for a good comedy this summer... you might want to wait for the ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT reruns airing tomorrow, since this show is all fat and no protein. By which I mean, it just ain't funny, and that's not so good for a comedy.
HIDDEN HOWIE: THE HIDDEN LIFE OF A PUBLIC NUISANCE -- 11 PM, Bravo
There's an old rule that an aging comedian's desperation to still be liked and appear cool is in direct proportion to the amount of words they use to name their special. Howie Mandel, we're all done with you, much like you're all done with actually being funny. You and Dana Carvey should just stop before you wreck our past memories of you, too.
I WANNA BE A SOAP STAR -- 11 PM, SoapNet
Season Finale: Really? Even the stars of soaps don't actually want to be soap stars, not if they had their druthers. Is obscurity really that bad?
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: John Irving
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Pamela Anderson, Hanna-McEuen
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: (R)
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Jamie Gertz
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Friday, August 19
THE LITTLE LEAGUE WORLD SERIES -- 8 PM, ESPN
I liked watching this more before the steroid era. Now I just find it disturbing to be watching 12-year-olds with beards like Fidel Castro and arms like Lou Ferrigno.
BUILDING AMERICA'S HOME -- 8 PM, Discovery Home
Debut: I can't remember the last time I even flipped by this channel, let alone stayed on it to watch some new reality show.
HOPELESS PICTURES -- 10 PM, IFC
Debut: Bob Balaban is easily the most valuable player for IFC, and here he is again, or at least his voice, in this animated slam on celebrities and big studios, along with voice-work from Jennifer Coolidge, Michael McKean and others.
GREG THE BUNNY -- 10:20 PM, IFC
Debut: Debut on this channel, anyway. But you probably remember GREG from his sordid past on another, lesser channel. Not exactly an independent film, but a good pick-up for this channel anyway.
GENE SIMMONS' ROCK SCHOOL -- 11 PM, VH-1
Debut: KISS's Simmons is at a British boarding school, telling aspiring musicians how to sell any piece of crap with their image on it for exorbitant prices. And maybe play the same two bass lines for thirty-five years on the side. As long as he stops short of teaching them to make movies with Tom Selleck.
REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER -- 11 PM, HBO
Season Premiere: Angry leprechaun Maher takes more time away from the Playboy Mansion to rant against President Bush and offer more New Rules. And despite the man's obnoxious demeanor, I'm happy to see him return.
ONE NIGHT STAND: LOUIS C.K. -- 12 AM, HBO
If you're one of the people who saw THE ARISTOCRATS and laughed, then you should also check out this special. If you're easily offended, I'd suggest you keep on moving--nothing to see here except really funny and even more inappropriate humor.
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Ralph Fiennes, Carmen Electra, Ben Folds
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Roger Lundblade
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Saturday, August 20
A BEAUTIFUL MIND -- 8 PM, ABC
See! Russell Crowe before the phone incident. Watch! Jennifer Connelly act opposite something other than dark water. Witness! A Ron Howard movie where they didn't have to beg you to go see it.
JOURNEY OF LIFE -- 8 PM, Discovery
This three-part special tracing man's origins will doubtless not be a favorite of all you Creationists out there.
NBC FALL PREVIEW SHOW -- 9 PM, USA
You know how you decided to stop in on USA to get away from all the annoying promos that NBC keeps playing for their new Fall shows? I have some bad news for you...
NIP/TICK -- 10 PM, FX
Season Premiere: It's about time a show this sensitive tackled a touchy subject like morbid obesity. I'm sure it will be handled with the same sensitivity with which they handle breast implants or collagen.
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE -- 11:30 PM, NBC
Host: TBD; Musical guest: TBD (R)
Sunday, August 21
INSOMNIA -- 8 PM, AMC
I don't know who watched this stark movie and thought "BATMAN BEGINS," but I'm certainly glad they did. I hope those same people think "BATMAN SEQUEL," too. The Crispen Glover-as-Joker rumors aren't so bad, either.
EMBEDDED/LIVE -- 9 PM, Sundance
Tim Robbins might be a fine actor, but he's amazingly heavy-handed with his politics, so don't exactly expect subtlety in this televised version of his anti-Bush play.
SIX FEET UNDER -- 9 PM, HBO
Series Finale: For all the odd, surreal moments from this season, usually a sign that a show is tired and ready to go, it's been an amazing finish, one that reminds me just how good this show has been for most all of its five seasons.
DEAD ZONE -- 10 PM, USA
I know he's an adult in his 30s now, and that this show is actually decent, but I have a hard time not still think of A.M. Hall as VACATION's "Rusty."
MINDING THE STORE -- 10:30 PM, TBS
The show's finale aired last week. And since none of us wanted Paulie Shore back in the first place, do we really need to see it re-aired already?
All show times Pacific Standard Time and all opinions are glad that at least Nate Fisher found some peace.
Chris Ryall
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