By Chris Ryall
Monday, August 29
THE US OPEN -- 11 AM, USA
For those working tennis fans, you can catch up with Open updates at 7 PM on USA, too. Besides, calling in sick to watch tennis is just kind of sad.
PRISON BREAK -- 8 PM, Fox
Debut: Sure, it's preposterous. But so is that show with Jack Bauer and company. And like that show, this one's also improbably entertaining. Definitely worth a first look, if I can use this column to actually recommend something. Don't worry, that doesn't happen very often.
WILDFIRE -- 8 PM, ABC Family
Well, they finally found a way to get me to regularly watch one of their new dramas, did ABC Family. Namely, bringing a certain Amy Jo Johnson onto the show. Welcome back, little Pink Ranger.
BTK KILLER SPEAKS -- 8 PM, A&E
Trust me, he doesn't have anything to say that you need to hear.
BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE -- 9 PM, ABC Family
Maybe ABC Family feels like a show with all kinds of sex and drama in it is fine for the Family channel as long as the cast members don't live up to the title. No one wants to see sex between average people--come on, ABCF, throw some hotties in there.
LAGUNA BEACH -- 10 PM, MTV
There's only one way to make this show interesting to watch. Bring in some real people from Chino, preferably the prison, and see if they all mix as well as they all do on THE O.C.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: John Irving (R)
The Late Show with David Letterman: John McEnroe
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: TBD
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Tommy Lee, Daniel Dae Jim
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Sen. John McCain, Amber Tamblyn (R)
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Steven Wright
Last Call with Carson Daly: Patricia Arquette, Bam
Margera, Talib Kweli
Tuesday, August 30
WNBA PLAYOFFS -- 5 PM, ESPN2
Hey, Kobe Bryant's dad, I'm sure your kid appreciates your recent efforts to take some headlines away from him, but there's gotta be a better way to go about it than what you've been doing since being made a WNBA coach. Little late, anyway.
MEET MISTER MOM -- 8 PM, NBC
Finally, a reality show I'm looking very forward to watching. Oh, wait, I thought it was called BEAT Mister Mom. Never mind.
TASTE OF AMERICA -- 8 PM, Travel
Season Finale: Hey, Travel Channel, do you see the Food Network doing travel shows? If you're going to rip anyone else's content off, do some shows on Nazis--the History Channel's stopped using 'em so often lately.
TOMMY LEE GOES TO COLLEGE -- 9 PM, NBC
Tommy Lee and college go together as well as Tommy Lee and Pamela... or Tommy Lee and singing... or Tommy Lee and words that don't start with the ketter "dude."
HI-JINKS -- 9:30 PM, Nik
They should just call it HIGH-JINKS, since that's what these unsuspecting kids will be when they learn that there's a whole show built around screwing with them and lying to them.
ROCKSTAR: INXS -- 10 PM, CBS
I have to say, after watching Brooke Burke on this and then seeing Tara Reid replace her on WILD ON, er, "TARADISE," that E!, you made a biiiig mistake letting Brooke go.
MAN, MOMENT, MACHINE -- 10 PM, History
This is a look at the U2 spy plane that was shot down over Russia in 1960. Which, to me, anyway, doesn't sound like the most successful spy plane.
WIDE ANGLE -- 10 PM, PBS
Tonight's documentary looks at some Arab widows who start a business selling pickles. Which is kind of like when Marge Simpson went into the pretzel business, only this one caters to pregnant women.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Steve Carrell (R)
The Late Show with David Letterman: Astronaut Eileen Collins, Richard Lewis
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: TBD
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Van Stone
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Adam Sandler (R)
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Jennifer Tilly, astronaut Leroy Chiao
Last Call with Carson Daly: Jay-Z, Everclear
Wednesday, August 31
HARD ROCK LIVE -- 8 PM, MTV
MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE plays live, proving once again that live music on MTV really isn't all that fun to watch.
BATTLE OF THE NETWORK REALITY STARS -- 8 PM, Bravo
I'm pretty sure it's not possible for most of these reality show freaks to be any more annoying than they are on this show. I'd almost encourage giving them acting gigs just so they can get new personalities. Almost.
VERONICA MARS -- 9 PM, UPN
So the bossman did a cameo on this show? Maybe that will also help some of you holdouts check it out. Either way, it's worth your time, whether shown on this channel or on CBS.
BUY ME -- 9 PM, H&G
Debut: Watch people do what most of us will never be able to afford to do, buy and sell their house.
CORWIN'S QUEST -- 10 PM, Animal Planet
Jeff Corwin checks out some elephants that were trained to sniff out poachers. I knew that poachers were pathetic, but who also knew they had their own stench, too?
OVER THERE -- 10 PM, FX
So Zach Morris from SAVED BY THE BELL enlisted and has been sent to Iraq? That's funny, because whenever I watched that show, I wanted to take a shot at him and his sportscoats, too.
MY LIFE ON THE D-LIST -- 10 PM, Bravo
The woman who sounds like Kathy Griffin but no longer looks like her and instead looks like a plastic surgery cautionary tale whines more about her status as a D-lister. I'd say she's more like E- or F-list now, but it's not up to me to decide.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Seymour Hersh (R)
The Late Show with David Letterman: Rachel Weisz
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: TBD
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Al Michaels
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Cedric the Entertainer, Michael Palin (R)
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Dwight Yoakam
Last Call with Carson Daly: Billy Bob Thornton, Diane Farr, Five For Fighting
Thursday, September 1
PRISON BREAK -- 8 PM, Fox
If you skipped the pilot on Monday, here's another chance to watch it this week. That's one good thing about having terrible weekly programming, you've got all kinds of space to replay the good shows.
CELEBRITY POKER -- 8 PM, Bravo
It's ladies night tonight and the contestants all live up to that part, but as for the "celebrity" part, well, you decide: Kathryn Morris, Ricki Lake...
CHILDREN OF BESLAN -- 8 PM, HBO
A documentary about the killing of 371 school kids and adults at the hands of Russian extremists officially gets my pass of the week. No jokes here.
KILL REALITY -- 9 PM, E!
Yes, please.
BLACK DOG -- 9 PM, USA
Patrick Swayze stars as a trucker driving around a secret cargo. Funny, I thought he'd be bigger.
BEING BOBBY BROWN -- 10 PM, E!
Funny, I was perfectly happy that Bobby Brown was back off the air again, but for those of you who don't agree, here's a marathon of him showing his "Black Love" for Whitney.
ULTIMATE GAMER: MADDEN 2006 -- 10 PM, Spike
A hardcore gamer--no, not our own Ian Bonds, but it should be--meets the creators of Madden 2006. A gamer talking to some programmers--should be scintillating television.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: (pre-empted for Pamela Anderson Roast)
The Late Show with David Letterman: Brooke Shields, Black Eyed Peas
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: TBD
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Kristin Davis (R)
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Dave Foley, T-Boz and Chilli
Last Call with Carson Daly: Rupert Everett, Dave
Navarro, The Hives
Friday, September 2
THE REAL CANCUN -- 8 PM, UPN
Yeah, I know... I was one of those idiots who saw this on the big screen. And I ask that you learn from my experience and skip this on the small screen. It's not worth it on any screen.
FIREFLY -- 7 PM, Sci Fi
This is your only chance to catch some more FIREFLY tonight, because for the next six hours, you get Ricky Dean Anderson and company.
STARGATE SG-1 -- 8 PM, Sci Fi
The fans voted for these six episodes, and I'm pretty sure that, with this fan base, quite a few people voted here.
ENCORE'S BIG '80S WEEKEND -- 8 PM, Encore
I appreciate Encore showing all these classic-if-dumb '80s movies, but since no one knows how to find Encore on their cable or satellite system, I'm not sure how much good it's doing.
ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT -- 9 PM, Fox
Fox has kept the AD torch burning all summer long, and they keep it up here with the "Tony Wonder" appearance. And since Ben Stiller plays Tony Wonder, it's worth another look. Unlike Stiller's ENVY, that is.
MODERN MARVELS -- 9 PM, History
I'm curious just what the History Channel's definition of "modern" is, since tonight's episode looks at Lord Nelson's 1765 vessel.
BIOGRAPHY -- 9 PM, A&E
That "Cold-Hearted Snake" Paula Abdul gets biographied here tonight. I can't wait for the re-enactments of her having some sex with that skeezy wannabee singer.
ONLY IN AMERICA -- 10 PM, Discovery Times
Debut: Only in American could there be room for yet another travel/location show... even if this first episode does look at real-life fight clubs.
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: TBD
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Sarah Silverman
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Rudy Giuliani
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Jane Kaczmarek
Last Call with Carson Daly: Jessica Alba, Alicia Witt, Mitch Fatel, the Allman Brothers Band
Saturday, September 3
TV LANDON WEEKEND -- 6 AM, TVLand
It's Big Hair Saturday... and Sunday and Monday, as Michael Landon's oeuvre takes over TVLand all weekend long. That's 72 hours of LITTLE HOUSESes, BONANZAs and HIGHWAYs TO HEAVEN.
SNAKEHEAD TERROR -- 7 PM, Sci Fi
It's not quite as good a name as "MANSQUITO," but still, since this Sci Fi movie looks at mutant, man-eating fish-snakes, it makes me happy, too.
FORREST GUMP -- 8 PM, TNT
Run from Forrest, run!
SHARK TALE -- 8 PM, HBO
Are you one of those, like me, who loves Pixar's movies? Then this movie ain't for you... however, if you like Will Smith at his most obnoxious, bad and obvious movie parodies, and a sub-NEMO fish story, then this is for you. But I don't want to know about it.
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE -- 11:30 PM, NBC
Host: TBD; Musical guest: TBD (R)
Sunday, September 4
SONY HD 500 -- 7 PM, NBC
The race is being broadcast in High Definition, which will no doubt make all the sponsors happy. Until they learn no race fans have HD televisions.
FOOTBALLERS WIVE$ -- 9 PM, BBC America
Season Premiere: Please, don't ask why there's a new season premiere so soon after the last one. I'm still too buy trying to figure out why the show's title doesn't have an apostrophe in it after the first word.
ROME -- 9 PM, HBO
Like they said back in Mel Brooks' HISTORY OF THE WORLD, PART 1: "Do you care if it falls?" "What?" "Rome." "Fuck iiiiit."
ENTOURAGE -- 10 PM, HBO
Season Finale: Will AQUAMAN get made? Will E and Ari hug it out? Will Drama ever get respect? These questions and more will hopefully not all be answered here. Rather, how about a longer season next time, HBO?
THE COMEBACK -- 10:30 PM, HBO
Every time I think HBO can't come up with an unfunnier show, they manage to top themselves. UNSCRIPTED, you've been bumped to second place by this painful show. Lisa Kudrow, I just feel bad for you. You don't have to be doing this, you know.
STROKER & HOOP -- 12 AM, Cartoon
Debut: Like it matters what this show's about--it deserves a first look from the channel that gives us ROBOT CHICKEN and AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE. Even better that it's an animated Starsky & Hutch-meets-Knight Rider parody.
All show times Pacific Standard Time and all opinions are unfunny because that's the way they roll.
Chris Ryall
E-MAIL THE AUTHOR |
ARCHIVES
