By Chris Ryall
Monday, September 5
SUPERNOVA -- 8 PM, Hallmark
A disaster flick starring two generations of has-beens, Peter Fonda and Luke Perry, on the Hallmark Channel? Didn't the Hallmark name once stand for solid programming? Maybe this is like their "Shoebox" line of greeting cards.
PRISON BREAK -- 9 PM, Fox
So, anyone else watch this? Ridiculous, right? And entertaining, right? Fox loves going with the severed body parts in their drama premieres, too. Although the edge there still goes to Jack Bauer.
ROME: ENGINEERING AN EMPIRE -- 9 PM, History
Rome wasn't built in a day... but you'll wish it was, so it'd shorten this show a bit. I'm telling you, History Channel, it's time to break back out the Nazis, to compete with all the new shows debuting.
SPEAK -- 9 PM, Lifetime
Elizabeth Perkins is out peddling weed on Showtime, which makes her cool to a certain subset, and then she's here, which makes her cool to absolutely no one.
THE CLOSER -- 9 PM, TNT
Season Finale: It's early premiere week, so lots of people will be watching this week. Bummer timing, TNT, since this is actually a watchable show. Hurry back.
PRECINCT HOLLYWOOD -- 10 PM, AMC
This episode looks at the portrayal of cops in movies over the years, and they mistakenly concentrate on DIRTY HARRY or TRAINING DAY, and don't give any decent amount of space to the guy that makes sound effects from POLICE ACADEMY.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Pre-empted
The Late Show with David Letterman: D.L. Hughley, Jamie Oliver
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: TBD
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Diddy Combs, Michael Michele, Duran Duran
Tuesday, September 6
U.S. OPEN -- 8 AM, USA
Up first, Maria Sharapova and... whoever all the other female tennis players are.
SENATE CONFIRMATION HEARINGS -- 1:30 PM, C-SPAN3
If you're watching John Roberts get confirmed here... well, you're really into this stuff much more than me, since I never even knew there was a C-SPAN3.
THE ELLEN DEGENERES SHOW -- Syndicated
Season Premiere: Ellen dances her way into a new season, and she seems a bit clueless as to what her core audience wants, since today's guest is Nascar driver Jeff Gordon.
GO, DIEGO, GO! -- 8 PM, Nik
Debut: Ever notice how any successful kids' cartoon introduces a character that is fully intended to be spun off if the show works? In this case, Dora the Explorer's cousin Diego, introduced a couple years ago, is spun off here.
ROCKSTAR: INXS -- 10 PM, CBS
Ty, Ty, Ty... the media might have a bias against black people, but folks who vote for singers on this show don't. You just weren't right, no matter what color you are. Plus, you act like not making it as the new singer of "our band, INXS" is a bad thing. Nope--it's "The One Thing" you'll be happy about later.
RENO 911 -- 10 PM, Comedy
Season Finale: If this show's season finale makes you sad and in need of more RENO, well, just wait a half-hour or so, and I'm sure another repeat will air. Not that that's a bad thing.
RESCUE ME -- 10 PM, FX
Tatum O'Neal might've made some bad choices in the past (marrying John McEnroe, writing a tell-all book), but she made a good one when she chose to guest-star on this show as Tommy's sister.
'70S HOUSE -- 10:30 PM, MTV
Season Finale: "Like, we totally had to play these, like, horrible video games called Pong and stuff? And I couldn't even, like, IM anyone from their Commodore 64. It was horrible and stuff?"
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Dr. Marc Siegel
The Late Show with David Letterman: Rob Thomas
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Samuel L. Jackson, Rachel Bilson, Lifehouse
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Tony Hale, Rev. Al Sharpton, Common
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Dennis Rodman, Aisha Tyler, Kings of Convenience
Wednesday, September 7
HEY, ROOKIE, WELCOME TO THE NFL -- 7 PM, ESPN
This show talks to various NFL rookies about the adjustment from getting a few girls and having a little money to getting tons of girls and making tons of money. I'm sure they acclimated pretty quickly.
MEET MISTER MOM -- 8 PM, NBC
Season Finale: Unless this Mr. Mom is played by Michael Keaton and he's handing his kid a woobie, I have no interest in meeting him.
HARD ROCK LIVE -- 8 PM, MTV
Maybe I'm not the right audience for this episode, featuring WEEZER, because the only time I found the band entertaiing was during that mash-up with Jay-Z.
IN PERFORMANCE AT THE WHITE HOUSE -- 8 PM, PBS
There's obviously some Bush-haters responsible for this show, since the entertainment they set up for him includes Tom Wopat, a teen dancer and Shirley Jones.
JULIUS CAESER'S GREATEST BATTLES -- 9 PM, History
And if you like this show, just wait for the special November Sweeps episode, Julius Caeser vs. the Nazis.
KATHY GRIFFIN: MY LIFE ON THE D-LIST -- 10 PM, Bravo
Season Finale: I remember back when Kathy Griffin used to be funny and not just come off as needy, desperate and pathetic. That all seemed to change right around the time she bought herself that shiny, plastic new face. And now that her show's done, where will people get their fix of shameless celebrities on reality TV? (see: directly below for the answer)
BREAKING BONADUCE -- 10 PM, VH1
Debut: Want to watch obnoxious Danny and his wife go to couples therapy? If yes, then you've got a much stronger stomach than I do.
ASSSSCAT: IMPROV -- 11 PM, Bravo
This show features the Upright Citizen's Brigade, which means it's gonna be some damn good comedy. If you like it, I can't recommend their DVD enoough.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Samuel L. Jackson
The Late Show with David Letterman: Gwyneth Paltrow
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: TBD
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Reese Witherspoon
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Green Day Special featuring an uncut performance of their 9-minute song, "Jesus of Suburbia"
Thursday, September 8
MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL -- 6 PM, ABC
Er, I don't want to alarm anyone, but Monday Night Football is supposed to be on a little earlier in the week. I understand this week being screwed up, since the Raiders are playing.
THE O.C. -- 8 PM, Fox
Season Premiere: Spent some time this summer talking to the artist who draws all of "Seth Cohen's" comics--yep, this means that Seth ain't really drawing them, but don't hold that against him. He brought DEATH CAB to a wider audience, right? This fictional character can only do so much.
CELEBRITY POKER SHOWDOWN -- 8 PM, Bravo
Poker is the only possible reason why Cheryl Hines, Alex Trebek, Amber Tamblyn, Anthony Anderson and Michael Vartan would be in a room together.
REUNION -- 9 PM, Fox
Debut: One of the better pilots I saw this summer, premise-wise. Each episode of this teen drama/murder mystery takes place in a different year. So if you want a typical "Best of the '80s" soundtrack, start right here, since the show begins in 1986.
NFL OPENING KICKOFF -- 10 PM, ABC
Are the ROLLING STONES even supposed to still be up this late any more? If they decide to take a nap, GREEN DAY, KANYE WEST and SANTANA, all of whom seem like they could give a shit about football, help kick off the season.
IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA -- 10 PM, FX
I'm still not completely won over by this show, but at least it's not as forced and unfunny as STARVED.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: TBD
The Late Show with David Letterman: Jennifer Lopez
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Jeff Foxworthy, Larry the Cable Guy, Bill Engvall, OK Go
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Paul Reiser
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Ice-T, Ryan Cabrera
Friday, September 9
BASKETBALL HALL OF FAME INDUCTION -- 4:30 PM, ESPN Classic
Some Big East coaches like Jim Calhoun and Jim Boeheim get inducted here today. Which is good for them but doesn't sound like a lot of fun to watch.
THE CUT -- 8 PM, CBS
Season Finale: Don't worry, I'm sure it'll grow back before next season.
FRIDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN -- 8 PM, UPN
I'm so glad they changed this name from WWE SMACKDOWN. Now, if you still can't remember when this show's on, well, you're probably a big SMACKDOWN fan.
FASHION ROCKS -- 9 PM, CBS
Hey, Mark McGrath, I'm proud of you, quitting that crap news magazine show and rediscovering your rock cred. Wait a sec, you never had any rock cred, and hosting this fashion show/concert is just more proof of that.
20/20 -- 10 PM, ABC
Season Premiere: Alec Baldwin guest-stars as Brian Ross's uptight neighbor next door and the two of them talk about nuclear terrorism threats across the world. Cue the laugh track.
BATTLESTAR GALACTICA -- 10 PM, Sci Fi
Xena, Warrior Princess somehow brings her battle cry to outer space here tonight. Sure, she's actually playing a reporter, but we know there's a fightin'-mad amazon waiting to break out.
MOVIES THAT SHOOK THE WORLD -- 10 PM, AMC
Debut: Evidently cooking rabbits in pots shakes the world, since the movie that's being discussed here is FATAL ATTRACTION. It was either the rabbit or two older actors shagging like rabbits.
The Late Show with David Letterman: Terrence Howard
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: David Spade, Lake Bell, Hope Partlow
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Laura Linney
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Vince Vaughn, Rob Zombie, Kevin Brennan, Ying Yang Twins
Saturday, September 10
COLLEGE FOOTBALL -- 9 AM, ABC
Notre Dame plays Michigan and... uh, that's really the most interesting part of this game.
DARCY'S WILD LIFE -- 12 PM, NBC
Season Premiere: Hey, great, we get to catch back up with Darcy and her friends. If she, uh, has any. Which, I don't know, she might not. I'd have to be remotely familiar with this show to know that. Which I'm not.
NASCAR CHEVY ROCK & ROLL 400 -- 4:30 PM, TNT
Yes, even Southern Rock like SKYNYRD counts as Rock & Roll.
COPS -- 8 PM, Fox
Season Premiere: This show begins its 18th season... not that you can tell any of them apart, since the special guest-stars on the show have been rocking the mullet since the show started in the late '80s.
AMERICA'S MOST WANTED -- 9 PM, Fox
Season Premiere: John Walsh has been doing this show for 19 years now, which means he's been hosting the show longer than some of you have been alive.
MAN WITH THE SCREAMING BRAIN -- 9 PM, Sci Fi
Bruce Campbell co-wrote, directed and stars in this movie, and he's also been co-writing a comic book by the same name. Yeah, but could he beat MANSQUITO?
McLEOD'S DAUGHTER -- 10 PM, WE
Season Premiere: Hey, great, we get to catch back up with the duaghters of McLeod and their friends. If they, uh, have any. Which, I don't know, they might not. I'd have to be remotely familiar with this show to know that. Which I'm not.
STORYTELLERS -- 10 PM, VH-1
Dave Matthews shows up here, although I'm not sure how much time he'll have to tell stories between all the jamming.
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE -- 11:30 PM, NBC
Host: TBD; Musical guest: TBD (R)
Sunday, September 11
THE SIMPSONS -- 8 PM, Fox
Season Premiere: It's the 42nd season premiere of the show, and maybe the first time in three decades that the show debuted before Halloween, too. So don't complain about the Stephen Baldwin appearance tonight, please. There's a worse Baldwin they could've gone with.
THE WAR AT HOME -- 8:30 PM, Fox
Debut: Good luck, this season's post-SIMPSONS fodder. Nice knowing you. Try it again soon, Michael Rappaport.
FAMILY GUY -- 9 PM, Fox
Season Premiere: The formula for the show once again: grab old pop culture reference. Shoe-horn it into the show, whether it makes sense or not. Repeat.
THE FLIGHT THAT FOUGHT BACK -- 9 PM, Discovery Channel
It'd be terrible if the show revealed that Flight 93 actually went down because of someone using their cell phone mid-flight Luckily, this show will be much better than that inappropriate and ill-timed joke. Four years already, and I still don't know if it's acceptable to even make dumb comments about this day.
FOOTBALLERS WIVE$ -- 9 PM, BBC America
Season Premiere: I really think the programming on BBC America is underrated here. Most of the shows on the channel are entertaining, this one especially. Catch up with it here, it won't take you long to know what's going on.
FOYLE'S WAR III -- 9 PM, PBS
Debut: I don't know who won the first two wars, but since the show's still got Foyle's name in the title, I'm guessing he picked the right side.
ROME -- 9 PM, HBO
Rome might have fallen, but the Roman people sure had a good time before that happened.
AMERICAN DAD -- 9:30 PM, Fox
Season Premiere: Stephen Colbert, Jason Lee and Patrick Stewart are among the people who are way too good to be appearing on this derivative show, but are inexplicably doing it anyway this season.
MY FAIR BRADY -- 9:30 PM, VH1
Debut: Remember that episode of THE BRADY BUNCH where Peter hooked up with a girl who was 25 years younger than him? No, you don't, because it would've been too disturbing to contemplate. So why are you wondering if you should watch this or not, when it's even more disturbing now that he's fifty.
All show times Pacific Standard Time and all opinions somehow survived the bad summer programming, but just barely.
Chris Ryall
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