By Chris Ryall
Monday, September 19
SOUTH PARK -- syndicated
Debut: The good news for SOUTH PARK fans is you can now catch it in syndication; the bad news is, you're not gonna see the exact same episodes every time. You know, the New Morality and all that.
THE KIND OF QUEENS -- 8 PM, CBS
Season Premiere: Fat guy, hot wife, domestic squabbles. Yeah, we've got it.
FATHOM SURFACE -- 8 PM, NBC
Debut: Well, it was going to be a battle to see if this show, or the similar THRESHHOLD and INVASION, would draw the most viewers. With INVASION taking a hit from the hurricane, it could well be this one, unless Carla Gugino draws you in on THRESHHOLD like she will me.
7TH HEAVEN -- 8 PM, WB
Season Premiere: Ten years this show has been offering wholesome, family fare. Which means its about three years away from rebellion and getting some piercings. About time, too.
ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT -- 8 PM, Fox
Season Premiere: The not-watched-enough show gets a new night, so expect me to constantly pimp it just about every Monday. For those of you who've avoided it so far, maybe guest-star Charlize Theron will help entice you.
ONE ON ONE -- 8 PM, UPN
Season Premiere: Yep, the star of this show is still going by the name "Flex." No, there's no good reason for this.
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER -- 8:30 PM, CBS
Debut: Willow and Doogie Howser team up with the stoner from FREAKS & GEEKS. All of which adds up to... a pretty decent comedy, especially for CBS, home to such watered-down fare as TWO AND A HALF MEN.
KITCHEN CONFIDENTIAL -- 8:30 PM, Fox
Debut: This show is based on hard-living chef-author Anthony Bourdain's books, but after knowing about Bourdain, I'm curious how his cookbooks led to such an overbaked, under-seasoned show? (See what I did? With the food references and stuff? Nice, right?)
ALL OF US -- 8:30 PM, UPN
Season Premiere: The producers have said that this year, they'll make sure this sitcom is actually funny. Wow, what a novel approach.
TWO AND A HALF MEN -- 9 PM, CBS
Season Premiere: Charlie Sheen, fresh off his break-up... or is it reconciliation?... then again, no one cares... is back to somehow dominate ratings.
LAS VEGAS -- 9 PM, NBC
Season Premiere: This is your agent. This is your agent on drugs, Rachel Leigh Cook, for casting you in this show.
JUST LEGAL -- 9 PM, WB
Debut: Don Johnson is back on TV again, and I think ol' silver fox Johnson might be in for a bit of a rude awakening, trying to find an audience on the teen-skewing WB.
OUT OF PRACTICE -- 9:30 PM, CBS
Debut: Henry Winkler gets poached from ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT and teams up with Jennifer Tilly. Doesn't much matter what this is about since the same people who watch that Charlie Sheen show before this and CSI MIAMI will no doubt not bother changing the channel between shows.
CSI MIAMI -- 10 PM, CBS
Season Premiere: Emily Proctor thought she was taking the easy way out last season, but nope, she's still stuck in Miami with that weird-looking red-headed guy from JADE.
MEDIUM -- 10 PM, NBC
Season Premiere: This show is a total rip-off of Jennifer Love Hewitt's GHOST WHISPERER...
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: TBD
The Late Show with David Letterman: Martha Stewart
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Jerod Miller, Steve Carell, BB King
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Jim Belushi
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Smash Mouth
Tuesday, September 20
NCIS -- 8 PM, CBS
Season Premiere: Mark Harmon tries to get a bunch of rag-tag students through a summer session so they can graduate and he can get back to living on the beach and hitting on Kirstie Alley. I think.
ACCORDING TO JIM -- 8 PM, ABC
Season Premiere: Fat guy, hot wife, domestic squabbles. Yeah, we've got it.
DANCING WITH THE STARS: DANCE OFF -- 8:30 PM, ABC
Good luck and all, J. Peterman, but you know the cute young hottie's gonna have to win again, just so ABC doesn't look even more foolish after the ending of the show. And did I mention she's a cute young hottie and you're not? Sorry, man.
BIG BROTHER -- 9 PM, CBS
Season Finale: I've never watched this show--does the winner actually win a big brother? Is this a reality show for only childs? Because if not, it seems to me like just a season of shoving idiots into a house together and seeing what happens, but no one would do that and expect people to watch, right?
MY NAME IS EARL -- 9 PM, NBC
Debut: I know, in these WILL & GRACE times, that it's hard to believe that the best new comedy of the season (other than UPN's Chris Rock show) is on NBC, but it is. And I don't just say that because this one stars Jason Lee and Ethan Suplee, although both are a big reason why it's so funny.
THE OFFICE -- 9:30 PM, NBC
Season Premiere: I think anyone who saw the "basketball game" episode last season knows that this show's much more than a rip-off of the BBC show. And when paired with EARL, this is easily the best hour of comedy on TV thus far this season.
LAW & ORDER: SVU -- 10 PM, NBC
Season Premiere: Wonder Woman guest-stars on the show this season, as do chef Bobby Flay(?) and Marcia Gay Harden, too. Yep, the show's at the point where it's relying on guest-stars pretty heavily.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: TBD
The Late Show with David Letterman: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Danica Patrick
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Matt LeBlanch, Bloc Party
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Peter Falk
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Jason Lee
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Kathy Griffin, Kasabian
Wednesday, September 21
THE APPRENTICE: MARTHA STEWART -- 8 PM, NBC
Debut: All this talk about wondering what Martha's catchphrase is going to be. It doesn't really matter--one of the civilized world's oldest catchphrases has already been used on her: "You're under arrest." Beat that one, Mar.
AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL -- 8 PM, UPN
Season Premiere: Twiggy, who evidently used to be a model, hosts this show now, as the show continues to find new ways to make barely dressed girls seem very unsexy.
CRIMINAL MINDS -- 9 PM, CBS
Debut: Singin' fool Mandy Patinkin and the white guy from DHARMA & GREG show up here as FBI profilers who will soon be cancelled for being too ordinary.
E-RING -- 9 PM, NBC
Debut: I know the title refers to the Pentagon, but it's hard for me not to make the leap to "O-ring" and then think of either the Shuttle disaster or, uh, the bung, and since Dennis Hopper's in this one, I tend to think those might be apt references. Besides...
LOST -- 9 PM, ABC
Season Premiere: ...E-RING might be a Bruckheimer show, but it doesn't stand a chance next to this show. Michelle Rodriguez signs on for the season, too... well, some of it, anyway... but maybe I've already said too much.
LAW & ORDER -- 10 PM, NBC
Season Premiere: L&O celebrates its 72nd season on TV by doing the exact same thing they've done for the past (22 episodes x 72 years).
CSI NY -- 10 PM, CBS
Season Premiere: The show decided the dour approach last season didn't quite work. Well, actually, viewers decided that, by not watching the show, so the producers followed suit. Look for Gary Sinise to smile this season.
LAW & ORDER -- 10 PM, NBC
Season Premiere: When this show first debuted, the kids of people who watched this show were just being born. Now they're graduating from high school...
INVASION -- 10 PM, ABC
Debut: I know this show has a hurricane theme, but it's only for the pilot, and it's done well, as is the rest of the show, so despite the recent tragedy, I hope people give it a chance. It's still just a fictional show, and a pretty decent one.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: TBD
The Late Show with David Letterman: George Clooney, Steve Martin
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Chris Rock, Sandra Oh, O.A.R.
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Johnny Knoxville, Chi McBride, Backstreet Boys
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Ice-T, Steve Winwood
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Claire Forlani, the Bravery
Thursday, September 22
JOEY -- 8 PM, NBC
Season Premiere: The producers of JOEY spent their summer watching ENTOURAGE, as evidenced by the extreme makeover they gave this mediocre show this season.
EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS -- 8 PM, UPN
Debut: I'd just like to thank Chris Rock and UPN for this title already... but I forgive them since the show itself is so damned funny. An actual high recommendation from me.
EVE -- 8:30 PM, UPN
Season Premiere: Eve is back. You want anything more on this one, you probably need to hit TV GUIDE or something.
CSI -- 9 PM, CBS
Season Premiere: Quentin's finale from last season resonates here. Kinda like KILL BILL 2, in that it feels the same, but different. Only, in this case, the second part's not quite as good.
THE APPRENTICE -- 9 PM, NBC
Season Premiere: Hey, The Donald, I know you love yourself and think you can do no wrong, but it's gotten to the point where you're the only one who thinks that. In other words, you're fired... from my TV.
CUTS -- 9 PM, UPN
Season Premiere: Shannon Elizabeth needed an excuse to get out of the house, and evidently this show fit the bill.
LOVE, INC. -- 9:30 PM, UPN
Debut: Face it, Holly Robinson-Peete, you're just not destined to be on a show that's actually entertaining or that makes it an entire season.
CRIMINAL MINDS -- 10 PM, CBS
Debut: Mandy Patinkin should be able to be back singing on Broadway in no time, based on what I've seen from this show, whose plots are as generic as the show's title.
E.R. -- 10 PM, NBC
Season Premiere: I don't want to start another controversy, but it'd be nice if they'd remove this show from the life support it's been on the past few years, too.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: TBD
The Late Show with David Letterman: Teri Hatcher, Sheryl Crow
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Jodie Foster, Jimmy Carr, Bon Jovi
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Michael Rappaport, Jamie Pressly
Friday, September 23
GHOST WHISPERER -- 8 PM, CBS
Debut: There is no way I'll ever watch a Friday show on CBS. Unless... it has Jennifer Love Hewitt, who's somehow found an inexplicable spot on my "list." So I'll at least be TiVo'ing it and watching it later, away from other mocking eyes.
SUPERNANNY -- 8 PM, ABC
Season Premiere: Bad parents get staged help from the nanny again. Although I think we all agree that Jude Law's hired help went out of her way to earn the title of this show, too. Get some cameras on her, quick!
THE BERNIE MAC SHOW -- 8 PM, Fox
Season Premiere: Fat guy, hot wife, domestic squabbles. Yeah, we got it. Although at least when this show does it, it's funny.
THREE WISHES -- 9 PM, NBC
Debut: More like Touched by an Annoyingly Sweet Singer. My first two wishes are that they "mean" up the show a bit, so I don't feel as bad about mocking it. It's tough to hold your head high when you're ripping on a feel-good program. But I manage.
KILLER INSTINCT -- 9 PM, Fox
Debut: I can't believe this title was still available for a cop show, but it was. And from the look of things, it just might be available for use in a couple months, tops, too.
NUMB3RS -- 10 PM, CBS
Season Premiere: SPORTS NIGHT's Sabrina Lloyd is leaving this show? Bad decision, numb-three-ers or whatever you call yourself. She was the best part. Then again... bring back SPORTS NIGHT.
INCONCEIVABLE -- 10 PM, NBC
Debut: I'm not sure how entertaining jokes at a fertility clinic will be, but at Angie Harmon will make the preceedings look nice. Not that anyone will be watching at this time on Fridays.
ALL-STAR REALITY REUNION -- 10 PM, Bravo
Since I have nothing nice to say about these reality show people, I suppose I should say nothing at all, but why start that now? More attention-hungry losers try to extend their 15 minutes. Don't let them.
The Late Show with David Letterman: Viggo Mortensen
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Geena Davis, Shia LaBeouf, Shaggy
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Erika Christensen
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Ricky Gervais, Nickel Creek
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Donald Trump, Jenny McCarthy, OK Go, winner of Ugly Dog Contest
Saturday, September 24
PRESIDENT'S CUP -- 5 AM, NBC
You don't need me to tell you anything more about this golf tourney. If you know enough about it to be planning to wake at 5 AM to watch, well, you've got bigger problems to deal with.
SCORNED -- 8 PM, E!
This 1994 movie starring Andrew Stevens and Shannon Tweed begs the question, why did we once ever watch movies that starred Andrew Stevens and Shannon Tweed?
RAW DEAL -- 8 PM, Spike
I invite all the California votes who elected the current governor to watch this movie and think about what you've done. If you still think this is a good thing, go watch RED HEAT next.
THE TRUMAN SHOW -- 8 PM, TNT
It was only a few years ago that Jim Carrey was trying to get respect with his movies. Well, after the world sees FUN WITH DICK AND JANE, I think he'd kill for the chance to make ACE VENTURA 3, never mind a better movie like this.
SOUL TRAIN LADY OF SOUL AWARDS -- 9:30 PM, VH1
A reason to watch: Steve Wonder. Reasons not to watch: everyone else who appears here. Don't believe me? You tell me, then: Brian McKnight, Toni Braxton, Amerie, Destiny's Child...
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE -- 11:30 PM, NBC
Host: ; Musical guest:
Sunday, September 25
NASCAR'S CHASE FOR THE NEXTEL CUP BEGINS -- 12:30 PM, TNT
Gentlemen, start your Budweisers!
COLD CASE -- 8 PM, CBS
Season Premiere: The show has some cool, non-CSI things planned, like some really cold cases, built around Negro League baseball and the movie HALLOWEEN. Not a procedural viewer myself, but this one's at least a break from the same ol' CSIs.
THE WEST WING -- 8 PM, NBC
Season Premiere: The return of the overly serious show that just won't end. And no, I'm not talking about E.R. here. But I could be.
CHARMED -- 8 PM, WB
Season Premiere: It's sad that now Alyssa Milano is considered a bit long in the tooth, as evidenced by the addition of the younger, and more annoying, girl from 8 SIMPLE RULES. Charmed, I'm not so sure.
EXTREME MAKEOVER: HOME EDITION -- 8 PM, ABC
Season Premiere: Do shows like this, shows that are exactly the same every single episode, really need to announce "season premieres"? It's not like last season ended on a cliffhanger.
MARTHA BEHIND BARS -- 9 PM, CBS
Cybill Shepherd, who I'm fine with also throwing behind bars, gets her second crack at playing Martha. And I have as much interest in this one as the last go-round.
LAW & ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT -- 9 PM, NBC
Season Premiere: I know, I can't keep track of all the L&O shows, either. Just remember this one's got Private Pyle and Mr. Big.
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES -- 9 PM, ABC
Season Premiere: For years, actress Alfre Woodard has seemed like she was always the best actress in some really bad movies or TV shows, and I expect people will still be saying that after her appearance here.
BLUE COLLAR TV -- 9 PM, WB
Season Premiere: I guess the time change from Friday to Sunday won't bother too many of this show's fans. Budweiser tastes the same no matter when you drink it.
FIRST ON THE MOON: THE UNTOLD STORY OF APOLLO 11 -- 9 PM, Science
This documentary looks at the first moon landing and what would've happened if the crew got stuck there. Actually, that last part, I think we can all suss out for ourselves.
CROSSING JORDAN -- 10 PM, NBC
Season Premiere: I'm not so happy with producers being obviously impressed by Henry Winkler on ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT, since he's been added to this show and to his own sitcom, leaving him not a lot of time for appearances on ARRESTED as Barry, the inept lawyer.
GREY'S ANATOMY -- 10 PM, ABC
Season Premiere: So Can't Buy Me Love is married, but cheating? I remember back in the day, he was working at Clown Dog and couldn't get a date to save his life, and now he's two-timing?
EXTRAS -- 10:30 PM, HBO
Debut: THE OFFICE's Ricky Gervais finally gets his new show going, with the help of guest-stars like Kate Winslet and Ben Stiller. Here, he's an extra who no doubt gets into lots of awkward situations.
All show times Pacific Standard Time and all opinions know exactly where the hatch leads.
Chris Ryall
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