By Chris Ryall
Monday, October 24
DAYS OF OUR LIVES -- 1 PM, NBC
Because we just can't get enough the over-bearing, obnoxious and badly haired Donald Trump, here he is to invade daytime TV as well. A good reason to show up to work today.
MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL -- 6 PM, ABC
Thanks a lot for coming back, Vinnie Testaverde. Now you've made Sly Stallone think he's still young enough to pretend he's an athlete, too. I blame ROCKY VI, and the Jets' rocky season, on you.
PRISON BREAK -- 9 PM, Fox
Nothing like having your attempted escape from jail put on hold for three weeks because of baseball. Michael's finally back this week, though, and still plotting his escape from the clink.
I LOVE THE '80S 3D -- 9 PM, VH1
Debut: Can someone please get Hal Sparks a regular gig so he, and we, can be spared from more of these retread shows?
HUMAN TRAFICKING -- 9 PM, Lifetime
Somehow, there's something fitting about former INVASION OF THE BODY-SNATCHERS star Donald Sutherland being the next victim of the Lifetime TV-movie...
PSYCHO -- 11:30 PM, TCM
Hitchcock movies are all over the TV this Halloween week, but if you're only going to pick one, you might as well go for this one. Don't worry, it's the original, not the bad remake.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Bill Kristol
The Late Show with David Letterman: Jerry Lewis, Nicolas Cage
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: George Clooney, Monster Garage's Jesse James, Blue Man Group (R)
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Jim Rome
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Dan Aykroyd, Anthony Anderson, Aqualung
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Keane, Harland Williams
Tuesday, October 25
GILMORE GIRLS -- 8 PM, WB
Wow, it must NOT be November Sweeps, since Madeline Albright is guest-starring on tonight's show. no offense, Maddy, but I really doubt you're gonna bring in more of the 18-34 crowd.
IT'S THE GREAT PUMPKIN, CHARLIE BROWN -- 8 PM, ABC
In honor of this special, I recommend that you give out rocks to every kid who comes to your door, just so they can live in Charlie Brown's shoes for a few minutes.
SUPERNATURAL -- 9 PM, WB
This show's definitely looking like it's got potential to go a few rounds, but the premise is easy enough to get into that you don't need to watch every episode to get it or to enjoy what's going on. Good to see a "scary" show that actually offers some scares. And yes, I'm talking to you, NIGHT STALKER.
RESTUARANT MAKEOVER -- 9 PM, Food
Debut: Can they start with McDonald's, please? Starting with that horrible menu, and then working their way up to the crappy decor and awful overall environment? Seems a good starting place.
THE FLY -- 10 PM, AMC
After that one SIMPSONS Treehouse of Horror episode with Bart as a half-fly kid, I don't know that the "help me!" scene will ever resonate like it used to, but it's still pretty effective.
THE COLBERT REPORT -- 11:30 PM
Word: Magnificentric. I never really thought this show would work so well with Colbert on his own, but so far, it's been just perfect. A really self-assured start, especially when compared to Adam Carolla's start, and that bit with Stone Phillips was award-worthy all on its own.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Al Franken
The Late Show with David Letterman: Craig Ferguson
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Charlize Theron, Dane Cook, Sinead O'Connor (R)
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Jerry Tarkanian
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Ozzy Osbourne, Trace Adkins
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Liz Phair, Bill Paxton
Wednesday, October 26
FREDDIE -- 8:30 PM, ABC
Well, there's decent lead-ins (LOST leading to INVASION) and then there's just awful shows that don't do any favors to the show that follows it (this one, leading people to LOST if it doesn't scare everyone away first).
LOST -- 9 PM, ABC
Too-tall Walt is back this season, as is Shannon. The show's done a good job of expanding the storyline this season, but both of these characters had gotten shoved aside for the Hatch and Michelle Rodriguez, so it's nice to see them back. Hopefully she apologizes for THE FOG remake, too.
BEHIND THE BASH WITH GIADA DE LAURENTIIS -- 9 PM, Food
Debut: How do you cook for 700 stars that really don't eat anything at all at post-awards show parties? Watch and see. The key is to make sure it comes back up easily, I think.
ANDY GRIFFITH -- 9 PM, TVLand
Bet you never knew that Jack Nicholson actually guest-starred on this show back in the '60s. True story--you can see the proof right here.
SUGAR RUSH -- 9:30 PM, Food
Debut: Expect a show about desserts that's hosted by the owner of a place called Cake Love to be about as full of empty calories as the food he hawks at his store.
INVASION -- 10 PM, ABC
Who would've ever thought that an alien invasion and body-snatcher sort of story could be so deathly dull? Can something happen here, please?
OVER THERE -- 10 PM, FX
Season Finale: Mission Accomplished!
DRAWN TOGETHER -- 10:30 PM, Comedy
I see the off-season did this show well, in that it gave them months to figure out a way to be more crude, annoying and offensively boring. If I wanted all of that, I'd just go watch FAMILY GUY.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Doris Kearns Goodwin
The Late Show with David Letterman: Bette Midler
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Cameron Diaz, Paul Reiser, John Randall (R)
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Lisa Kudrow, Loudon Wainwright III
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Molly Sims, Jeremy Roenick
Thursday, October 27
JOEY -- 8 PM, NBC
Has the Death Pool for this show started yet? I think they'll finish out the year and then hopefully just disappear, kind of like the last spin-off show Matt LeBlanc participated in.
SMALLVILLE -- 8 PM, WB
It's a comic con come to life on this show, as Princess Leia and Spike show up opposite Superboy. Now we just need Lou Ferrigno, too.
EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS -- 8 PM, UPN
As Dave Chappelle showed, people dressing up as the '80s version of Prince is never not funny. So I'd expect the same thing here tonight, maybe with less post-basketball game pancakes, when little Chris dons the same outfit for Halloween.
CELEBRITY POKER SHOWDOWN -- 9 PM, Bravo
I'll bet you double or nothing that you can't picture most of these celebrities by just seeing their name and not any acting credits: Dule Hill, Kathleen Madigan, Kelli Williams and Carlos Bernard.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Janis Karpinski
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Jennifer Garner, Bill Paxton, Stephen Stills
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: (R)
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Brian Williams, Jason Ritter, Rob Zombie
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Alyson Hannigan, Jason Gore
Friday, October 28
THE SECRET LIFE OF VAMPIRES -- 8 PM, A&E
As much as I enjoyed THE SECRET LIFE OF DENTISTS, I have to think that vampires have a more wild life behind closed doors.
THE FLY -- 8 PM, Bravo
Not the original, but the amped-up remake. Watching BrundleFly eat his own vomit makes this movie all worth it.
THRESHHOLD -- 9 PM, CBS
the one LOST-inspired show I didn't have a chance to watch this summer turns out to be the one that I should've bet on to win this race, from the look of things. And not just because of Carla Gugino, either. This is a repeat of the pilot, if you want to start at the beginning.
I SHOULDN'T BE ALIVE -- 9 PM, Discovery
Debut: The next time some FEAR FACTOR punk whines about how hard it is to eat bull scrotum and make it through, point him this way--this is a reality show about people who survived shark attacks and other nightmarish adventures while at sea. This also includes people who sat through JAWS IV.
MOVIES THAT SHOOK THE WORLD -- 10 PM, AMC
THE EXORCIST is featured here. And they're right--this movie did impact horror movies to come. While subsequent sequels only shook the Razzie Awards.
MASTERS OF HORROR -- 10 PM, Showtime
Debut: This horror series (being adapted to comics by IDW and their sexy Editor-in-Chief) features one-hour films from noted horror directors. Tonight is "Incident On and Off a Mountain Road," directed by Don Coscarelli from a Joe R. Lansdale tale (and adapted by IDW's sexy Editor-in-Chief and artist Jeremy Haun in issues 1 and 2, come this December). Come meet Moonface...
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Chris Rock, Sandra Oh, O.A.R.
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: R. Kelly
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Owen Wilson, Caroline Rhea, the Wallflowers
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Donald Trump, Jenny McCarthy, OK Go
Saturday, October 29
QUICK FIX DINNERS WITH ROBIN MILLER -- 10 AM, Food
Debut: What a perfectly timed show. Everyone's thinking about what to eat for dinner as they prepare to start their day.
VIEWTIFUL JOE -- 11:30 AM, WB
Debut: Well, good luck trying to get your kid to stop playing video games by showing him this cartoon based on a video game. That won't work until GRAND THEFT AUTO becomes a Saturday morning cartoon.
100 SCARIEST MOVIE MOMENTS -- 7 PM, Bravo
Okay, Bravo, you have a chance to redeem yourself and move "Have you checked the children?" from HE KNOWS YOU'RE ALONE higher up the list. That scene, in an otherwise pretty mundane movie, scared the crap out of me as a kid.
THE SHINING -- 8 PM, A&E
Well, based on the recent movie trailer I saw online for this flick, I can assume it's a nice, heart-warming movie about a father and son on vacation, right?
BAR WARS -- 8 PM, TV Land
It's Cheers vs. Gary's Old Town Tavern in all eight of the CHEERS episodes being shown here tonight. And if you ever saw these, you know that Sammy and his gang don't exactly always get the upper hand.
THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT -- 8 PM, FX
I don't care how overblown this movie and its sequels got, I still find it pretty effective, especially its abrupt, shocking ending.
TEEN TITANS -- 8 PM, Cartoon
The Titans meet a new character, Kole. I just hope she's not as lame as the comic version, and that if she sees red skies this time around, she gets the hell out of town before it's too late.
CATWOMAN -- 8 PM, HBO
I dare you.
ANIMAL DEVIL -- 9 PM, Animal Planet
Vampire bats and black cats, both of which are recommended to stay indoors (or in-cave) this weekend, finally get their due here and see that their bad reputations aren't so deserved after all.
CEREBUS -- 9 PM, Sci Fi
Ever since MANSQUITO, I've been all about the Sci Fi movies. But now, you add a three-headed beast AND Greg "BJ AND THE BEAR" Evigan together in one flick? This is pure gold, trust me. Even without the chimp and the big red truck.
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE -- 11:30 PM, NBC
Host: Lance Armstrong; Musical guest: Sheryl Crow
Sunday, October 30
60 MINUTES -- 7 PM, CBS
Prince Charles sits down for his first American interview in 16 years. And yet, we still don't care.
UNFABULOUS -- 7:30 PM, Nick
Emma Roberts, the star of this show, is the ninth-grade niece of Julia Roberts. And she's also the star of a NANCY DREW movie in '07. If either of those things mean anything to you, here you go.
INSIDE THE ACTOR'S STUDIO -- 8 PM, Bravo
McFly! Michael J. Fox stops by to get his butt sucked by James Lipton. Er, figuratively only, I should point out.
VAMPIRE BATES -- 9 PM, CBS
Oh, Xena, Warrior Princess, don't you know that any time you get a script with such a mundane and trying-too-hard name as this, you should give the battle cry and attack your agent, but never, ever accept the gig? I bet you know that now, anyway.
SUNDAY PANTS -- 9:30 PM, Cartoon
This new show features animated shorts from around the world. Which all pretty much serve to illustrate that the rest of the world is right in tune with our own Adult Swim shows.
PUNK'D -- 10 PM, MTV
Ashton Kutcher's back to annoy us all. Which at the very least gives Demi a little bit of a break.
All show times Pacific Standard Time and all opinions are bracing themselves for bad guest-stars beginning next week.
Chris Ryall
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