By Chris Ryall
Monday, November 28
MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL -- 9 PM, ABC
The Colts are on their way to doing exactly what I want--going undefeated in the regular season before being knocked out in their first game of the playoffs. Once they walk all over teams like tonight's Steelers, that is.
THE KING OF QUEENS -- 8 PM, CBS
Ray Romano appears here, reprising his former TV role. And you know what that means--the Emmy voters can rest easy for one more year. No need for independent thought again this year.
THE ENGAGEMENT RING -- 8 PM, TNT
Patricia Heaton stars in a holiday movie that will appeal to people that aren't like me. People that aren't totally annoyed by Patrica Heaton, I mean.
PRISON BREAK -- 9 PM, Fox
"Fall" Finale: It's finally Lincoln's execution day. Will they or won't they? By that, I mean, will Fox be stupid and let this show go on hiatus for months before airing more new episodes? It's looking like the answer is "yes."
DR. 90210 -- 10 PM, E!
Season Premiere: More life with a plastic surgeon. Coincidence that a movie with Patricia Heaton also airs tonight? That's not for me to decide.
VIVA BLACKPOOL -- 10 PM, BBC America
Season Finale: I'll admit I have no idea what this show's about. As opposed to half the other programs I talk about--I'm not ready to publicly admit it in those cases.
NIGHTLINE -- 11:35 PM, ABC
Ted Koppel leaves, and we're stuck with the buffoon who watched Michael Jackson climb a tree during an interview, among others? And it's now going to be live? Not for me, it's not.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Adrien Brody
The Late Show with David Letterman: Amanda Peet
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Naomi Watts, Queens of the Stone Age featuring Billy F. Gibbons
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Montgomery Gentry, Stephen A. Smith
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Samuel L. Jackson, Richard Lewis, Brad Paisley
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Kristen Bell
Last Call with Carson Daly: Eve, Ariel Gade, Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, The Bravery
Tuesday, November 29
THE BIGGEST LOSER -- 8 PM, NBC
Season Finale: Want to know who the biggest loser is? If you've been watching this show all season, grab a mirror and celebrate. Sorry, no prize money for you, though.
FELICITY: AN AMERICAN ADVENTURE -- 8 PM, WB
Julia Roberts produced this second film set in Revolutionary times. I doubt this one will do as well, since they cut Felicity's hair this time around. Get it, like the Keri Russell show? See, her name was also Felicity and they... ah, forget it. It wasn't funny anyway.
ACCORDING TO JIM -- 8 PM, ABC
I would never ordinarily mention this show other than to rip it, but since Linda "Sarah Connor" Hamilton guest-stars tonight, I thought I'd tell you about that, too.
COMMANDER IN CHIEF -- 9 PM, ABC
Were you one of those who watched SAVED BY THE BELL and said you'd vote for Zach Morris for President? If so, you've got problems... and you're also probably partially to blame for him joining the cast here, too.
THE OFFICE -- 9:30 PM, NBC
Since NBC had the foresight to pick up this show for the entire season, you're gonna have to hear me sing its praises for quite a few more weeks...
THE 10 MOST FASCINATING PEOPLE OF 2005 -- 10 PM, ABC
Babbara Walters has reinforced her couch for special guest Tom Cruise, and she also gets regaled by Dakota Fanning's stories of booze-based benders and Teri Hatcher's fights with the other girls on set. I'm assuming.
THE GASTINEAU GIRLS -- 10 PM, E!
Season Premiere: Is this only the second season premiere? Seems like I've been loathing both people for far longer than that.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Peggy Noonan
The Late Show with David Letterman: Regis Philbin, Colin Hanks
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Diane Keaton, Marguerite Perrin, Alanis Morissette
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Upright Citizen's Brigade
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Tom Arnold, Brian Setzer Orchestra
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: George Lopez, Natasha Bedingfield
Wednesday, November 30
CHRISTMAS IN ROCKEFELLER CENTER -- 8 PM, NBC
Want to have a good holiday season? Avoid any show called "Christmas in Rockefeller Center." Al Roker and Megan Mullally don't do anything to help people's Christmas spirit, you know.
THAT '70s SHOW -- 8 PM, Fox
I think it's pretty funny that the show has gone with the '70s HAPPY DAYS approach to explaining Eric's absence by having him be in Africa and occasionally on the phone. Not funny enough to make me want to watch, but a nice retro touch.
LOST -- 9 PM, ABC
Tonight, you get Kate's backstory, finally. People have been waiting a long time to find out just how a Hobbit convinced her to date him.
VERONICA MARS -- 9 PM, UPN
Alyson Hannigan rejoins her BUFFY-mate Charisma Carpenter on this show, and tonight, they're both in bikinis and in a wrestling match. At least, in the heads of many BUFFY fans, that's what they're doing.
GREAT PERFORMANCES -- 9 PM, PBS
Hey, CREAM is back. Yep, remember when your crazy burnout of an uncle was singing that one song after drinking too much Thanksgiving wine a few years ago? It was probably a CREAM song. And now they're back. Which is good news only to your crazy uncle and insomniacs.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Rep. Nancy Pelosi
The Late Show with David Letterman: Charlize Theron, Maureen Dowd
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Snoop Dogg, Howard Dean, Faith Evans
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Alanis Morisette
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Magic Numbers
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Jon Favreau and a musical
performance by Juliette & The Licks
Thursday, December 1
HOLIDAY CLASSICS -- 7 PM, ABC Family
ABC Family is watchable again, for at least part of the next 25 days (love ya, Jerry). Maybe not quite here with this airing of FROSTY'S WINTER WONDERLAND. I always hated that pompous snow-oaf.
HAVE NO FEAR: THE LIFE OF POPE JOHN PAUL II -- 8 PM, ABC
I don't know... two competing Pope projects on this week (the next one airs on Sunday). This one might be first but the other's got the stars of THE PRINCESS BRIDE and also MIDNIGHT COWBOY as the Pontiff--that's tough to beat.
THE O.C. -- 8 PM, Fox
The beginning of the end--talk of college next season. Actually, the beginning of the end was Seth doing the comic book and the show getting rid of the "welcome to the O.C., bitch" guy, but it's even closer here.
WOODY ALLEN's 70TH BIRTHDAY -- 8 PM, TCM
Wow, it seems like only yesterday that he was disturbingly too old to be hitting on his adoptive daughter, and now here he is a good decade older than that. But his new movie looks like a return to form, which is all most people care about anyway.
HOLLYWOOD'S GREATEST VILLAIN -- 8 PM, History
Well, since it airs on this channel, I'm pretty sure that whoever played Hitler will finish number one.
SILENT WITNESS -- 9 PM, BBC America
Season Premiere: The show called the British CSI, minus the purple semen-identifying light, is back. And you can tell I'm not entirely sure what sort of joke or comment to make. So I'll let the mention stand and move on.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: The White Stripes
The Late Show with David Letterman: Luke Wilson, Alex Zanardi, Bonnie Raitt
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Felicity Huffman, Roger Ebert and Richard Roeper, All American Rejects
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Alan Alda, Billy Joel
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Jerry O'Connell, Liz Phair
Friday, December 2
NESTOR THE LONG-EARED DONKEY -- 7 PM, ABC Family
I tried to get into this before, but the lead character is just such a jackass.
THE HAPPY ELF -- 8 PM, NBC
Maybe it's some character flaw I have, but I don't want my elves happy, or voiced by Harry Connick Jr. I want them snarky and just bitter enough. "Happy" just tells me that this show will be schmaltzy even for a holiday special.
SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN' TO TOWN -- 8 PM, ABC
What, ABC Family doesn't even get to air the best one (minus the bad song by Tanta Kringle)? Still, this show here is nicely timed since it makes my DEAD ZONE joke on Sunday seem more topical.
KNOTS LANDING REUNION -- 9 PM, CBS
If you're not sure what this reunion show is all about, ask your parents, and they'll tell you it was something they watched when there was absolutely nothing better to do with their Friday nights, and even then, watching nothing usually would've been the better option.
MONK -- 10 PM, USA
Monk's back, to help ring in the holidays. Of course, he'll have to ring them four times in a row, not interrupting the pattern of rings and washing his hands as he does, but still, Monk's back.
PLAYBOY'S CELEBRITY CENTERFOLDS -- 10 PM, A&E
Carmen Electra? Good call. Anna Nicole Smith? Not so good. Jenny McCarthy? Good call. Jenny McCarthy now? Not so good.
CREATURE COMFORTS -- 11 PM, BBC America
Debut: Aardman Animation and WALLACE & GROMIT creator Nick Park present this new series of 3D-animated shorts.
The Late Show with David Letterman: Nathan Lane
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Tyra Banks, Steve Schirripa
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Joe Rogan
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The White Stripes, Gisele Bundchen
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Adam Goldberg, Emilie de
Ravin, Kenny Johnson, LAPush
Saturday, December 3
PROJECT RUNWAY MARATHON -- 11 AM, Bravo
Four straight hours of bad clothing and bad personalities? Yep, I'll "run-way," alright. Far away.
CHARLES & CAMILLA: WHATEVER LOVE MEANS -- 8 PM, WE
Other than morbid curiosity over what actor has a big enough set of ears to play Chuck, I can't think of any reason to watch this. Okay, and to see what actress would actually take a gig playing Camilla, too.
ACADEMY OF COUNTRY MUSIC 40TH ANNIVERSARY CELEBRATION -- 9 PM, CBS
How do you celebrate 40 years of country music and a lot of classic old stars? By not inviting them and instead having random new stars do injustice to their old tunes.
EMINEM LIVE FROM NEW YORK -- 9 PM, Showtime
Catch 'im now while you can, since he's retiring... and will no doubt go on retiring for the next twenty years' worth of tours.
ROBERT KLEIN: THE AMOROUS BUSBOPY OF DECATEUR -- 10 PM, HBO
Even if Robert Klein's no longer funny--and I'm sure he still is--this special gets points just for the goofy title alone.
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE -- 11:30 PM, NBC
Host: Dane Cook; Musical guest: James Blunt
Sunday, December 4
POPE JOHN PAUL II -- 8 PM, CBS
Not only does Jon Voight play the Pope here, but it's also got the much simpler title. Still, I'll spend just as much time watching this one as the last one (which I skipped, I should mention). I'll repent later.
BIG IN '05 AWARDS -- 8 PM, VH1
D.L. Hughley hosts this show that focuses on people who've had a good year. More likely, it focuses on people who actually showed up for the event, which is something.
CHASING CHRISTMAS -- 8 PM, ABC Family
Tom Arnold is in a Christmas movie. Which seems to be the lump of coal in the stocking we'd all be best to avoid, but maybe he'll surprise us. You, I mean. I won't be around to notice either way.
THE DEAD ZONE -- 10 PM, USA
Johnny touches Santa's hand and sees the future--the Winter Warlock goes bad again and slaughters that annoying penguin. Now it's a race to Sombertown to recruit the reformed Burgermeister Meisterburger and try to prevent this Christmas tragedy.
SLEEPER CELL -- 10 PM, Showtime
Debut: This 10-hour miniseries airs over the next two weeks. Hear that, Fox? It's possible to air a gripping drama all at once rather than going on hiatus for weeks or more.
CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM -- 10 PM, HBO
Season Finale: The show's been teetering on the side of riduclousness all season, and Larry seems more apt to go that route on finales, so that could well be what we're in for here.
All show times Pacific Standard Time and all opinions would benefit from a long hiatus.
Chris Ryall
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