By Chris Ryall
Monday, December 19
DEAL OR NO DEAL -- 8 PM, NBC
Howie Mandel, now bald-middle-aged and, worst of all, unfunny, hosting another bad game show? No deal.
ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT -- 8 PM, Fox
While the world sits to see if ABC or Showtime can ride in as this show's white knight, or whatever bad analogy I was going for, Bob Loblaw is back to do whatever it is he does so well.
EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS -- 8 PM, UPN
Evidently the Hollywood Foreign Press didn't hear that everyone hates the guy. And if you're one who likes him, like me, you can check out episodes for four straight nights this week.
2005 RADIO MUSIC AWARDS -- 9 PM, NBC
With terrestrial radio being more and more boring and irrelvant, does this mean that at some point, we'll get a radio awards show that doesn't suck? Not this year, I mean, since Kelly Clarkson is here, but eventually.
HIS AND HER CHRISTMAS -- 9 PM, Lifetime
I doubt there are many "His's" watching this...
DECODING THE PAST -- 9 PM, History
This episode looks at something you'll no doubt get sick of hearing about come the winter Olympics, the Shroud of Turin. An episode following this one looks at other objects Indiana Jones would've loved to find, the Spear of Destiny, the Crown of Thorns, the Cross, and the Titulus.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Michelle Yeoh (R)
The Late Show with David Letterman: Jim Carrey
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Bizarre Christmas, Pam Naderson, Brian Setzer Orchestra
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Bill Nye the Science Guy, Mimi Rogers, Pepe the Prawn
Last Call with Carson Daly: North Mississippi All-Stars
Tuesday, December 20
NEW ORLEANS BOWL -- 8 PM, ESPN
Arkansas State and Southern Mississippi kick off the bowl games with this game... don't worry, they're obviously scheduled from least interesting to most.
BARBARA WALTERS SPECIAL: HEAVEN: WHAT IS IT? HOW DO WE GET THERE? -- 9 PM, ABC
Barbara Walters specials dealing with actors and spirituality: Hell.
MODERN MARVELS -- 9 PM, History
This episode looks at snack food. And if you don't think the crap they sell at 7-11 qualifies as "marvels," well, you've never seen how they make a pork rind.
NIP/TUCK -- 11 PM, FX
Season Finale: You can bet on who the Carver is at Steve Wynn's sports book, and find out tonight. However, a much safer bet is that the big reveal won't be enough to redeem this show's obnoxious season.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: David McCullough (R)
The Late Show with David Letterman: Bonnie Hunt
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Wanda Sykes, Carson Daly, Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Adam Carolla, Bo Bice
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Jim Carrey, Isaak Hayes
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Teri Garr, Dwight Yoakam
Last Call with Carson Daly: John Krasinski
Wednesday, December 21
A HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS -- 8 PM, CBS
Someone who's obviously new to the column told me I'm too mean-spirited about TV and shouldn't do this column. But you show me the silver lining in a special that features the GOO GOO DOLLS, KELLY ROWLAND, and others. Because I'll admit that, other than the awareness of adoption this special brings with it, I can't see it, or in this case, hear it.
BUDD BOETTICHER: A MAN CAN DO THAT -- 8 PM, TCM
You know what a documentary about a guy most of you have never heard of means? It means that Quentin Tarantino proclaims that the guy was one of his influences, of course.
THE APPRENTICE: MARTHA STEWART -- 9 PM, NBC
Series Finale: I know, it'd be too easy a joke to just say "you're fired" to Martha, so I won't. Instead, I'll extend my condolensces to the winner, and take the "under" on how long this person will last working for Martha.
HAUNTING EVIDENCE -- 10 PM, Court TV
Debut: A psychic, a medium and a ghost hunter team up. What, they couldn't also get a spiritualist, a tarot card reader and a chiropractor for good measure? Nice to see all these made-up jobs on one show. Said the made-up TV columnist.
SIT DOWN COMEDY WITH DAVID STEINBERG -- 10 PM, TV Land
New gentile and reincarnate Larry David stops by to talk to David about his time as a chauffeur. I'd imagine that his time on SEINFELD might come up once or twice, too.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Jimmy Carter (R)
The Late Show with David Letterman: Nathan Lane
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Julie Scardina and Sea World animals, Greg Kinnear, MercyMe
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Tea Leoni, Doris Kearns Goodwin
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Brian Cox
Last Call with Carson Daly: Mena Suvari, "30 Seconds of L.A.," Nada Surf
Thursday, December 22
RUDOLPH'S SHINY NEW YEAR -- 7 PM, ABC Family
I guess it's finally time, isn't it? Time for that big-eared Baby New Year and Eon the pteradactyl to get their air time, even though no one thinks this episode is as good as...
RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER -- 8 PM, CBS
Sorry, ABC Family, but CBS gets to air the champion of all of these Rankin-Bass specials this week. Last time it aired, a week or so ago, it got the best ratings it's gotten in six years. Meaning pretty much everyone in the known world has seen this thing at least what, a dozen or more times? It's probably 30+ for me.
DANCES WITH WOLVES -- 8 PM, WGN
Only the first half of the movie airs here tonight. Part 2 is tomorrow. I look forward to five nights of THE POSTMAN next. At least, that movie felt like it was 120 hours long.
SEINFELD -- 9 PM, TBS
Because seeing SEINFELD eight times a day in syndication or catching the episodes on DVD isn't enough, here's a four-episode block, some of which revolve around the forced holiday Festivus. Chrismukkah is less obnoxious, really.
ICONOCLASTS -- 10 PM, Sundance
Hey, all of you who say "getting old ain't so bad," watch this episode, featuring Paul Newman and Robert Redford talking in 2005. Then watch the old clips and tell me that aging is anything but pure evil.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Ken Auletta (R)
The Late Show with David Letterman: Jamie Foxx
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Terry Bradshaw, Dame Edna, Blind Boys of Alabama
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Tony Bennett, Johnny Knoxville
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: RZA, Amy Tan
Last Call with Carson Daly: Anthony Anderson, Piper Perabo
Friday, December 23
FRIDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN -- 8 PM, UPN
The whole plotline about killing the Undertaker seems a bit odd in light of Eddie Guerrero's recent passing, but it's not like wrestling typically goes out of their way to be overly sensitive if they don't have to.
NBA BASKETBALL -- 8 PM, ESPN2
The Cavs vs. the Pacers. And at press time, Ron Artest hadn't said or done anything even more stupid than the last thing he said or did.*
*Subject to change.
NORTH SHORE ANIMAL RESCUE -- 9:30 PM, Animal Planet
Because Howard Stern no longer has his radio show to push this organization his girlfriend's involved with, allow me to help out.
MOVIES 101 -- 10:30 PM, AMC
Julianne Moore talks to Richard Brown, who fills a nice niche for people looking for film-based interview shows hosted by guys who aren't as annoying as James Lipton. A growing audience, to be sure.
The Late Show with David Letterman: Darlene Love, Rosie Perez, Jay Thomas
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Sienna Miller, Gary
Gulman
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Little Richard, Colin Hanks, Regis Philbin
Last Call with Carson Daly: Johnny Knoxville, Roselyn
Sanchez, 311
Saturday, December 24
NFL FOOTBALL -- 10 AM, CBS
All kinds of games today, since tomorrow is Christmas Holiday. The Colts, losing to the Chargers last week, stripped the most important game of this week, Colts vs. Seahawks, of having any real drama.
IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE -- 8 PM, NBC
The most cheery movie about suicide you've ever seen. Welcome back to Bedford Falls for yet another year.
A CHRISTMAS STORY -- 8 PM, TBS
Don't have time to watch this classic flick at 8 PM, and forgot to set your DVR? Well, try it again at 10. Or midnight. Or 2 AM. Or 4 AM. Or 6 AM. Or 8 AM. Or 10 AM. Or noon on Christmas day. Or 2 PM. Or 4 PM. Or 6 PM. What I'm getting at in my subtle way is, it's on for 24 straight hours. Spend an entire day with Billingslea!
CHRISTMAS IN SOUTH PARK -- 10 PM, Comedy
Until they actually broadcast the original Jesus vs. Santa Claus episode on Comedy Central, I don't quite think they should be able to do a block of Christmas episodes. Talkng poo is fine and all, but I want the Claus/Christ smackdown.
MAD TV -- 11 PM, Fox
Better get to sleep before Santa shows in an hour. Which shouldn't be any problem if you watch this repeat of last year's Christmas episode.
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE -- 11:30 PM, NBC
Host: ; Musical guest:
Sunday, December 25
Merry Christmas!
WALT DISNEY WORLD CHRISTMAS DAY PARADE -- 10 AM, ABC
Regis and Kelly host this parade, but really, all it has to do to be spoken of fondly is not maim anyone like the Macy's Parade this past Thanksgiving.
NBA BASKETBALL -- 12:30 PM, ABC
Some cynics out there might think that Pat Riley forced his way back into coaching the Heat just so he could get the national TV coverage that this game against his and Shaq's old team would bring... and they're probably not totally wrong.
NFL FOOTBALL -- 2 PM, Fox
The Bears and the Packers play each other, which means that you'd be very safe in betting the under. Later on, the Vikings and Ravens meet up in a game that holds no interest for anyone living in a coastal state.
FINDING JOHN CHRISTMAS -- 9 PM, CBS
I don't know, maybe Valerie Bertinelli's search for John C. back in 2003 when this was made is part of the reason that Ed will soon be finding the next Mrs. Eddie Van Halen.
All show times Pacific Standard Time and all opinions are the gift that keeps on giving.
Chris Ryall
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