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UPN'S SEX, LIES & SECRETS
Tuesdays at 9 PM
By Chris Ryall
July 5, 2005
Sense-less & Stupid: Last time, Chris Ryall had reason to cheer UPN and a solid upcoming sitcom, but this time around, he has the extreme opposite reaction to their trashy, terrible SEX, LIES & SECRETS
There are many ways to develop a really bad show that just has no chance of survival. Sometimes, bad shows work in a few of these killer elements but find a way to survive despite having no real redeeming value. But other times, a show is just so laughably, painfully bad that it can’t possibly find an audience, I tell myself. Which can sometimes mean a show will become a hit. However, in the case of UPN’s SEX, LIES & SECRETS, if it lasts long enough for you to discuss with co-workers how lame of a title it has, I’ll be surprised. So instead of a review, which might pain me too much to even attempt, I thought I’d present just a partial list of things this show got wrong. Keep in mind, a longer list of everything bad about this show would potentially be a multi-part column.
What Not to Do When Developing a Pilot:
DON’T…
…open your show with quick cuts of LA’s Silverlake area to try to set a feeling of cool, but then instantly kill any sense of hipness by using Green Day’s incredibly overplayed “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” as your opening music.
…segue into self-important voice over that talks about “human groupings” and human behavior like your show is a study of anthropology. In fact, don’t use an omniscient narrator at all.
…cast Eric Balfour as a playboy who “doesn’t believe in love” as part of your ensemble cast. I liked the guy on SIX FEET UNDER, and even on 24, but his choices since then have been pretty bad (FEARLESS, HAWAII).
…have your lead characters be singers in a band, especially one that tries for forced hipster cool by playing a rock version of a Barry Manilow tune, “Ready to Take a Chance Again” (admittedly, the only Manilow song I like).
…head into the first commercial break with more bad voiceover in a desperate attempt to ape the most annoying part of DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES.
…have Eric Balfour’s character explain his choice to be a hairdresser as inspired by Warren Beatty’s part in the movie SHAMPOO right before a girl he picks up at a bar, a girl who turns out to be the girlfriend of a guy he hangs with, drops down to give him oral sex now that he’s proven he’s a straight hairdresser through his choice of favorite movie.
…contrive sexual situations. Now, follow me here, but as soon as a horn honks, the girl who’s about to orally pleasure Balfour recognizes the horn ass her boyfriend, so she asks her hot roommate to help cover for her. Balfour then asks the roommate if she’s ever seen SHAMPOO, and in two seconds, she’s naked and in the shower with him. And this is not a Showtime After Dark movie. Those actually make more sense than this. And lest you think the recognition of the horn is far-fetched, another roommate, who’s pulling up as Balfour is leaving on his motorcycle one street over, recognizes the bike’s engine and somehow knows that her slutty friend Balfour was just having sex with her slutty roommate. Sight unseen. Yep, the leaps in logic on this show could compete for Olympic gold, they’re so large.
I want to go on and tell you more reasons why this show, which features the only movie-inspired title worse than CBS’s THE GHOST WHISPERER, is so bloody awful, but I can’t. I can’t even hang in long enough to get to the various contrivances and plot holes that made me groan repeatedly. And I certainly can’t bear to talk about Denise Richard’s appearance as a rich bitch who actually utters the words, “Life’s a bitch… and so am I.” Just by the fact that she agreed to take this part and utter those words, I now side with Charlie Sheen. This show’s that bad. Try it again, Balfour.
NOTE: After this piece ran, UPN announced it was changing the show's title to "SEX, LOVE & SECRETS. Like that makes any difference.
Next Time: Fox's REUNION
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