April 26, 2004
Rock Star Hanger-On Quote of the Week:
"I started doing so much cocaine, my dick was completely useless. So when girls would come around and say they were willing to do anything to meet the band, I just started throwing meat at them. That's what they had to do to earn their backstage pass. I'd make them strip down and stand in the corner while we pelted them with the deli tray. After a while, it became like this daily event. All the bands would stop sound check and gather round, just to watch me throw meat at some chick."
-- legendary roadie Jef Hickey
The 33 Most Important Moments In Music: An Insulated, Ignorant Retrospective
1. Sergey RAKHMANINOV writes his Piano Concerto No.2, the only piece of 'classical' music you need to know about
2. Along with Gabriel FAURE's In Paradisum, of course
3. …and various others, but I'll shut up now and get to the rawk 'n pawp
4. FRANK says hello with In The Wee Small Hours
5. BILLIE says farewell with Lady In Satin
6. THE VELVET UNDERGROUND emerge as possibly the first recognizable rock'n'roll band—BEATLES catchiness + leather, shades, feedback and French decadent literature
7. THE STOOGES invent punk, black metal and Sonic Youth with Fun House
8. LED ZEPPELIN punch everyone everywhere in the collective guts with, erm… Led Zeppelin
9. LED ZEPPELIN begin to realise that they are, in fact, a) gods; b) Vikings; c) Arthurian champions; d) in considerable debt to Satan; and e) the best rock band so far in the history of rock, releasing the brain-imploding-titled Led Zeppelin II
10. THE BEATLES release 'Hey Jude,' their finest moment—it's both sweeter and more luridly excessive than anything else in their catalogue, and thus secures my vote; argue via e-mail, etc. etc.
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11. BIG STAR begin to release ridiculously beautiful guitar pop with #1 Record, prepare to be criminally ignored for eternity, set about proving more conclusively than Hume or Russell that there is no God
12. THE RASPBERRIES' Eric Carmen, hunched over a grand piano, haloed by a lone spotlight from the heavens, sculpts the opening chords of 'Overnight Sensation,' which, in 2004, should stand beside Michelangelo's David and Van Gogh's Sunflowers, but which reside instead in 50c bins at second-hand record stores
13. TOM WAITS discovers that balancing a whiskey glass on top of a piano looks sufficiently cool enough to make a go of things
14. In 2004, he is assured that it still does, in fact, look cool
15. NICK DRAKE dies amid did-he-or-didn't-he? circumstances; either way, we all lose in inconceivable fashion
16. IAN CURTIS kills himself, leaves behind Unknown Pleasures and Closer—the two most depressing records in the history of depressing records; this is important
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17. ROBERT SMITH assembles THE CURE, proceeds to release about twenty albums (of which one—Disintegration—is the second-best album ever.ever.ever.), becomes God to roughly 48% of everyone born between 1965 and 1990, and nonchalantly releases Bloodflowers, one of the band's finest albums, when in danger of having to keep his teeth in a jar
18. Thirty seconds have passed since #17, and……… yes—ROBERT is still God
19. Steven Patrick MORRISSEY fronts THE SMITHS, challenges ROBERT's title as God; they agree to share, until one turns into a tedious solo act and the other continues, well… being God
20. NICK CAVE leaves me and other Philistines in Australia, runs away to London and Berlin with THE BIRTHDAY PARTY, teases his hair, caterwauls a lot, gets thinner, does too many drugs and creates Junkyard, the third-best album in the history of rock
21. THE JESUS AND MARY CHAIN unveil their 20-minute set of white noise, performed with backs turned to a rioting audience; rock'n'roll is reborn—and yes, I know LOU wore the shades first
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22. MY BLOODY VALENTINE release Loveless, inspire PhD thesis entitled: 'GodDAMN But How Does This Album Kick So Much Ass?; or, You Have To Listen To It Loud, Dude—No, Louder'; also inspire repeated exclamations of: 'Billy? What's dem whale-noises comin' outta yo' room?', make laughing-stocks of Holy Bible, Mona Lisa, Ulysses, and the internal combustion engine
23. JEFF BUCKLEY dies; greatest voice of his generation disappears; 'Everybody Here Wants You' is released posthumously, is better than anything MARVIN GAYE ever recorded, rubs glorious salt into wound
24. THE PARADISE MOTEL open my ears to the fact that there is more to rock'n'roll than STONE TEMPLE PILOTS, promptly disband and fuck over the youth of the world
25. I belatedly discover GUNS 'N ROSES' Appetite For Destruction, soil jeans, realise that I should have spent the eighties listening to something other than Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em and Christian Rock, realise that at least I'm all stocked up on self-deprecatory anecdotes
26. ROBERT SMITH's status remains unchanged
26. GRANDMASTER FLASH, mid-interview, asks me what THE STROKES are; 'Is that some kind of computer?'
27. Drawling minstrel STEVE POLTZ hugs me, reminds me that music can be fun; also reminds me that tequila in creaming-soda can make anything fun, including hugs from strangers
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29. MOGWAI play my hometown, flout decibel restrictions, cause floorboards to realign, cause me to see God for ninety minutes, end set, cue house lights, send me back out into Godless existence
30. MOGWAI release their My Father My King EP, a take-home-and-eat-out-of-cardboard-with-chopsticks 'see God' session; my spiritual life improves somewhat
31. I am exposed to the untitled fourth track from SIGUR ROS' ( ) record, actually experience musically-induced shivers for the first time in too long; spiritual life improves further
32. ELLIOTT SMITH king-hits the Goddess of Pop with XO and Figure 8, is better than THE BEATLES, will be saviour of the Melody
33. ELLIOTT SMITH kills himself; NICK, JEFF, and now this; spiritual life takes vacation, gets drunk, finds God again in the form of ROBERT SMITH and 'To Wish Impossible Things'
POST-SCRIPT:
Re: last week's Reader Mail. It seems that I was wrong about BUCKLEY, COHEN, and 'Hallelujah'. VELVET reader Timothy Young has since kindly pointed out that JOHN CALE covered ol' Lenny and added the extra lyrics. BUCKLEY simply covered CALE's cover of COHEN's original. Do I feel bad? No. You see, Mr. Give-Shit-To-The-Guy-Who-Writes-The-Free-Column-For-Free was also wrong. And that knowledge is sweeter than being right. Rawr.
In other news: I know, I know. You get it. I like BIG STAR. I like MY BLOODY VALENTINE and TOM WAITS. Next week, VELVET might actually be relevant… to something… current, and interesting to anyone but me. But probably not. I am, however, considering the inclusion of obnoxiously irrelevant cheesecake pics next time around. You know, in the gratuitous bacchic spirit of rock'n'roll. Ha. Love, rockets and beer to shadowrain@hotmail.com as always.
© Reuben Ham
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